Have I ever told you how much I hate New Years? It’s not that I hate IT it is more that I hate the hooplah about it. When I was a teenager, I remember there was one year where I almost pulled my hair out because everywhere I looked there were “Top 10” lists. Every time I hear a new “Top blah-blah of whatever year” I die a little inside. I’m not entirely sure why my reaction to that is so severe, my guess is because it seems implausible that from one person, magazine or media source should come the iron fist of “best-of”s.
Since my early years(18-21), as a Las Angelina, I delved into celebrity livelihoods knowing who was who in the Hollywood Top 10- aka The A List. Once I made the plunge to leave my comfort zone and move across the country I left all those inquires and fascinations far, far behind. I changed my outlook on life and was no longer striving for a multi-million dollar option for my screenplay. I grounded myself with the dreams of a multi-million dollar advance for my novel.
As some of you may know, The New York Years were transforming, I grew as a person and learned a lot about life. That was the phase I came out of my shell – a late bloomer, finally blooming. Through all the changes, including obsessions with the lives of strangers, I’ve become more realistic. I’ve learned there is a time in every human’s life when they stop pursuing the far fetched, wild, fantasy dreams and make one subtle switch at a time to a more reachable, easy to admit in public, goal.
The New Year is about setting those goals- in year lengths. We call those resolutions. An idea to set forth an action, to resolve means to make a final decision so the resolution would be the action of decided decision. This is the first year, in a very, very long time that I have participated in resoluting. My first decree was to open and strive for the dreams of childhood, not the goals of adulthood. Yes, a stable income providing financial security would be nice. However, being happier would be nicer.
Since I was a child, I’ve had this affinity to grow up. Being called an “old soul” since pre-pubescence never helped my case to stop and enjoy the easy years. I wanted to grow up, move out, pay bills, wear pant suits with shoulder pads (this was 80s me talking) and have a home. What I didn’t realize, at my obnoxiously innocent age of 12, was that all of that would come naturally. There was no need to crank up the process. Now, I’m a 27 year old woman squinting at the ostensible maturation of my thirties and I can’t help but ask myself – am I gunning down the wrong path?
No, I don’t want to move back and live with my mother. No, I don’t want to re-live the trials of teenage awkwardness or the coming of age shame we all endure. However, I don’t want to try so hard to be grown up and wise. I don’t want those random nights where I get so drunk I go home with a stranger, or do something I would never do in the light of day. I don’t want to come home to an eviction notice or my cable, lights or heat turned off because I decided to shop instead of pay bills. Learning to make responsible and respectful choices are the skills that come with venturing out on your own, but those aren’t the skills that one should hope to master over a lifetime.
One of my biggest resolutions this year is to FINALLY lose weight and get in shape. I have never been skinny. When I went to weight watchers last year the group leader would always say “think of you at your skinniest [and happiest]” to get us motivated to relive those glory days. I didn’t have a past self that was skinny, never. Maybe 5 year old me. Chubby from there on out. Then as for happy, well these are my happy days. For the first time I’m allowing myself to be happy. A big part of that is allowing myself to get skinny.
I’ve always been an advocate for not going for weight lost but rather health gained. This time I want to be skinny. (Keep in mind my idea of skinny is not 120 lbs- I want to be thick and curvy, just not this thick or curvy) I want to give myself that present this year because of all the mental attacks and affliction that comes with being overweight. This time is different. I want myself to be happy. I’m giving myself that gift.
That also includes writing more and going for big dreams. I applied for an in-house staff writing position this week. It took me over a week to work up the courage to write a sample and actually send it in, but I did. I was so scared I literally was thinking “Who am I to apply for this job? It’s way out of my league.” Thanks to Marianne Williamson I thought “Who am I not…?” Whether or not I make it to round 2 of the interviews is indifferent to me at this point, I’m proud for taking a step down a path I’ve only dreamt about.
The question, or thought rather, of mortality has been raised lately. It started me thinking about my very own mortality and what I hope to accomplish within my allotted time. People say friends and family are the greatest things in life – I can not make those appear out of thin air. I love and appreciate the friends and family I have but I dream of starting my own family, having a partner to play life against with. Starting eharmony was my affirmation to myself as well as the universe that I am open to finding him, but I’m not going to stuff a circle into a square peg because that’s the vision I need to complete before I’m however old.
I want to write blogs, books, movies, articles, blurbs or whatever it is that makes me feel like I connect to the human race. I want to not be ashamed of my body because I know I’m the reason it looks the way it does. I want to dance on the sand of a foreign country in the middle of the night, under the moonlight, with a guy that doesn’t speak English. I want to explore the world, the country, the city I live in. I want to let go of all the negativity, anxiety and worry I have about the future and shame, embarrassment and guilt I have about my past. My gift for me in 2012 is to live freely and happily and to bask in the light of possibility. That is also my hope for you. Happy New Year!
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” (Marianne Williamson)
2 thoughts on “Bring it on, Nostradamus.”
You are my hero sis! I love you!
I absolutely love reading your blogs…you and I have so many similar views on the world and our lives, I had no idea. ❤