Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
All the King’s horses, and all the King’s men
Couldn’t put Humpty together again.
In this day and age we “break,” metaphorically. Things in our lives break figuratively and sometimes physically (see: any pair of earrings purchased from Forever 21). When your heart breaks it is not literally an organ falling to pieces, it is a figurative description of an emotional feeling. This is not a grammar lesson, however. In the misrepresented case of our embryotic friend Humpty, let’s be honest he didn’t *actually* break. So before we start the vigils for this poor fallen fellow laying stranded in figurative pieces on the floor, let me point out that first we all just agreed that an egg sat on a wall.
I have a friend named Jaime, from Madrid. While he was here visiting the US this summer he would party too hard, work too hard, just go too hard in general. On lazy Sunday afternoons when he would stop by the front desk for a chat he would say “I’m broken.” I always knew exactly what he meant. Others would ask “like you’re out of money?” I knew he meant there was a weakness in him. Something that needed repairing. Something that, in his case, could be solved by some sleep, fresh fruit and a lot of water.
This morning, I broke. I didn’t get the job I wanted. My landlord denied my olive branch of unimpressive payments to settle the impending eviction. I felt at the end of my rope and back to square negative one. A friend called me to go for a movie and we ended up grabbing dinner, I needed the distraction. I realized the distraction only lasted a few hours and I was back in my land of frustrations. Another friend reached out for a 2 hour phone conversation which I left feeling more confused and uneasy than when we began. A glass of wine, handful of trail mix and a Colbert Report later it hit me: the answers to all of my problems lay within.
I do not mean that sitting in mediation for the rest of my life will clear any discord from my life or path. I simply mean that the answers lie in the rebuild of my breakdowns. A cracked egg can never be an uncracked egg again. I can never be whole, or pure again as the unpureness of people and life have no other choice but to seep into my being. This process starts when we are but babes in the hands of two humans who know nothing about cultivating one from scratch, but have witnessed others rise from scratch and know it as a Universal truth that a their little bloody discharge will grow.
Despite the imperceptible course ahead I know that which ever road it leads down can not be used as a measure in my life. Quite honestly, it is irrelevant. Eviction – no eviction, job – no job these are the details that fill in the blanks, not the strokes that make the piece art. It is nothing new to think in future terms and to talk to future me, 20 years from now, and ask her how she feels about what she went through 20 years ago. She would probably say “well it made me who I am today.” What that means is not because of the outcome but because of my reaction to the outcome.
Action is character in motion, reaction is character on repeat. These hiccups, obstacles, stressful lessons begging to be learned are like resources in a video game that you jump up to collect and a bell sounds. We collect it and it is held, waiting to be called upon in our time of need. Inside you is your well of resources.
Living in the bigger picture – of destiny and what middle aged me wants out of our life is where I find the strength and resources. Today my life is not perfect, but I am. I am doing what I should be doing which is navigating the darkened roads of my future. I am not sitting idle- I am searching, exploring, seeking to learn and grow and be me. The rebuild I am experiencing is like a camouflaging defense mechanism, adjusting to fit in with my surroundings.
As soon as this chapter ends so comes the next. And the vexes that lay within. However, the picture is still the same, it’s all part of one big story and the boundaries of my life will still be there: Born December 14, 1984, Died _____________. I get to control what goes in the middle.
2 thoughts on “Crack.”
Once again, you say what I can not but feel all that I am. Some day you’re gonna have a lot of money for your words sis!
A really fabulous post. You are so far ahead of the game realizing that the answers lie within you. Now you just have to get to them. And you will.