F-Bombs Away

I just found a piece of paper that read:

What’s the point?
-Fuck You.
If I were God, that’s what I’d say.

I don’t mind doing menial work, as long as I’m not living a menial life. The bartender at work tonight casually asked me if I liked my job there. I thought for a second and replied “Yes, I do. It’s fun and it’s easy.” I finished the conversation in my head telling myself it was ‘a means to an end’ then I realized it’s all a means to an end really.

The next step. That’s what I’m always looking for. I worked for this woman for 2 weeks and at the beginning of the 2nd week she told me that. She said I worked too hard and was trying too hard. This eventually led to us mutually letting each other go, but it was an interesting observation, from a stranger.

It’s true. Eternally not happy with where I’m at – must go further. Which in part explains my need to move, travel and explore. Always looking for the next best thing. I don’t mind that, except when I’m at an impasse. Sometimes you can’t simply walk around the mountain to get to the other side but instead you must chin up and climb the motherfucker.

I guarantee you, when you get to the other side your first thought isn’t “Oh that was easier than I expected” but more like “THANK FUCK that’s over.”

Nothing turns out like you expect. Sometimes it doesn’t even turn out like you had hoped. And no, Jagger, you don’t always get what you need, even if you try sometimes. But in all honesty, I can’t even identify what it is I really do need right now.

I’ve been trying really had to get into the television series “Breaking Bad” recently. Despite a valiant attempt I really could care less about it, however it got me thinking. The main character, takes a leap from his “safe” life to a very dangerous, unpredictable life of a drug dealer [dot dot dot] in order to provide for his family.

From a nerdy writer’s perspective the main objective of the show is the character arch – to get the protagonist, an upstanding, overall good man and member of society to 180 to an evil criminal and quite possibly the antagonist. That’s his arch. After getting through 4 seasons of the slower than molasses plot, I can’t blame him. Being a good guy never got him anywhere.

I’m not saying let’s all break the law. My point is simply he started to do something he didn’t understand fully what he was getting into, yet he did it and for the most part succeeded. The pleasure I got from watching his transformation were the moments where he was in a pickle and knew that he had to shoot his way out AND THEN HE DID. It’s the drastic and outrageous actions he took to save himself and his family that translates to a normal, legal life dweller as passion and courage.

Selling all my earthly possessions would be drastic, even on my account. Yet, I toy with the idea. Maybe the depression I’m in isn’t actually a bad thing. Perhaps it’s liberating that I’m detaching from certain people and things. It’s a different perspective. The passion for living is what I miss most.

I’m surrounded by people who don’t know what it really even means. To experience a feeling of coming so close to an edge, any edge, and not going over. To fill the light burning from your core, fighting to break through your skin to touch other people – the way rays of sun gently break through the sky to caress your delicate cheek on a warm spring afternoon. To talk to the stars, and feel like they’re listening. To meet a stranger and have the most intense conversation and then walk away and never see them again.

These moments I don’t get from working a menial job but are possible to get while working a menial job. Everything in moderation. I just forget sometimes. It’s vital to bite my lip in anticipation for the next passion fueled moment rather than sulk when it’s just another average moment. This too shall pass… and my time will come… when I figure out what I want most.

What do I want?

What do YOU want?

What DO you want?

WHAT do you want?

What do you WANT?!
I meant to find a clip of the more apropose scene in Field of Dreams when Ray asks Terrence Mann what he wants and he rambles off what he wants from people, but really Ray just wanted his order. However, YouTube failed me so here is this:

One thought on “F-Bombs Away

  1. I love this, and I love you. I have moments in life where I want to get in the car and drive, but where? I can’t leave my husband and kids. I’ve learned from becoming a personal trainer how to cope through exercise…as cheesy as this may sound, but really it’s helped me be a better Tara.

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