back in The Bubble again

I know I live in phases. I know that no one person will live their entire life in an “up” phase. At least, I don’t believe that a person would or could believe that about themselves (with the exception of a Buddhist monk). Even if to others it seems that someone lived in a constant state of up, they themself would eventually have a problem and feel down. Regardless of how big or little the problem may be, it is all a matter of personal perspective.

Which is why the abosolute worst thing a person can do is to measure themself against another. Which is aboslutely, totally and completely what I’ve been doing the past few months to myself and then I wonder why the anger and frustration.

I can’t help but feel behind. I’m 28 and almost everyone I work with with is several years younger than me. Which overall really does not matter but I can’t help but feel like I should be further along in my life. However, for me to be ‘further along’ at my present job solely means putting in more time. Then I stop and think “well I don’t want to do that.”

I quit a job and look for another one – a similar one. Here I am working at yet another hotel, another hospitality position, with no interest in climbing up this particular corporate ladder. The company is great and it provides an abundance of opportunities to move domestically, however, for anyone that knows me that’s generally not where my heart wants to move.

I need to travel, to see the world and to feel the world breathe its majesty around me. I need to expereince new things and not just live in my safety bubble. I get caught in these traps of mundanity. It’s the same story over and over for me. It’s just a feeling that comes over me and I have to go. (The Bell Jar of travelling.) Some people like to tell me that I’m running away from something. We all know we can’t runaway from ourselves and that’s really the only thing worth running away from really, because that’s the most painful thing to face off with. Every other thing like running away from 40 hours of a mediocre job that doesn’t fulfill any of my inner most needs or desire but simply serves as a means of income is totally worth running away from. (Que Belle: There must be more than this provincial life!)

If I can work front desk on the beach in Figi, peace out Chicago, I’d rather do that than this. I’d rather work at a McDonald’s in Spain for a year than work up the corporate ladder anywhere in the contingent U.S.

My 5 months in Europe was a struggle because I could not work, so I did not have an income. Which made it feel mostly like a waiting game wondering when my funds would run out and when shit would get real. I was constantly broke, constantly budgeting and constantly worrying. I do remember those times fondly as well though when I think over my amazing 5 months of complete freedom. Sometimes I wish that I had the faith when times were rough to believe I’d get through it, but it makes it all part of the journey, all part of the struggle.

Luckily, I was consistently reminded by other travellers to let go and breathe in the life I was living. A trick that I would kill to be able to reproduce again now. I’m stuck though. I just feel like everyone is passing my by, however they’re all going in the wrong direction. They’re taking strides to settle down, go to school, get married – and I want to sell all my things and move to the South Pacific.

I know my frustrations are rooted in the fact that I haven’t written in months, I’ve gained weight, blocked out my entire social life, started dating a guy that was practically waving the red flags in my face from the beginning and over all just living a life where there is no advancement happening. (or so it seems and feels)

Although I do not regret any time spent watching Law and Order: SVU, that’s really not what the Universe was made for now, was it?

Perhaps we’re damned as a country- or culture- or generation to be forever in this mid life crisis phase of ‘what the hell am I doing’ and unable to live simply and gratefully. I’m generally not the first person to point fingers, but I hear this is a common case, especially amongst us Americans.

It may just be my eternal obsession with existentialism. And a personal problem all around. I’ll have to do some more research to be sure. Regardless, I’ve turned into Neo at the beginning of The Matrix when Trinity says:

I know why you’re here, Neo. I know what you’ve been doing… why you hardly sleep, why you live alone, and why night after night, you sit by your computer. You’re looking for him. I know because I was once looking for the same thing. And when he found me, he told me I wasn’t really looking for him. I was looking for an answer. It’s the question that drives us, Neo. It’s the question that brought you here. You know the question, just as I did.

Neo wanted to know what The Matrix was, but I’ve seen all three so I already know. My question is something different and it seems the Universe is providing another opportunity for me to ask it. 7 months away. Almost the same way it happened last time. This time, I have more time to prepare and hope to be more ready.