11:11

Bikram day 11, class 11.

I made a friend in the locker room today. She’s on day 19 of her 30 day challenge. She’s one class behind and has to do a double, but is nervous about it. Naturally, I told her when she decides to do it – I’ll do it with her.

Class was ok today. I woke up SO INCREDIBLY tired and sore from the double yesterday. It wasn’t a bad sore, it was just a tired, “I want to stay in bed all day” type of sore. However, it’s impossible for me to stay in bed all day and as always, I’m glad I went to class. It was difficult.

My legs just didn’t feel like stretching. I’m not sure how to make my body feel better. So tonight, I’m resting, drinking coconut water and going to stretch the legs a little bit. If I am still tired and sore tomorrow I may skip a class. Maybe.

I like that all of this is happening and I feel like everything is changing, yet my apartment is still a mess. There are clothes everywhere. The guy that just broke up with me once asked me why I left clothes everywhere. All of my wall decorations are positive – inspiring quotes, pictures of my friends and travels. He said to me “You have all this shit on your walls but you’re not living the life of someone who follows their dreams.”

It was a weird observation coming from him and I just wanted to ask “what the hell do you know about it?!” Instead, I just rolled my eyes and did what I always did when he said something upsetting – lay on my bed and bury my face against the wall. However his words stuck with me.

It was part of the beginning of my revelation that I’m not perceived as the person I feel that I actually am. It could have just been him too. During our relationship together, I don’t think he ever once thought that I had a heart. It was funny because  the last man in my life loved me for my heart alone.

I was in a rut. I needed something to rock my boat. I can tell I am detaching from some things in hopes of opening up to the unknown of my future. Bikram has become a way for me to test myself and prove to myself my strength and capabilities. When alone in the world one is only armed with their head full of ideas. Ideas about how the world is and how they are in the world. Their own capabilities being capped short if they were led to believe that as fact by an outside source.

That’s off track. I was off track. As much as I am absolutely amazing, I am incredibly difficult too. I am stubborn and passionate. The two biggest things to be afraid of in a woman like me. I go to great lengths for people I love, great distances for things I love and I will defend those things and my feelings about those things, until the end. An unwavering sense of me that wavered.

That was my rut. I lost my instinct, my third eye. I think I just lost myself a little. I dug the hole myself and am slowly crawling out of it. I keep thinking I got out of it, until another ray of light shines down and I realize I was still under it. A process. Slow and steady. It is amazing to me how much more sky there is to see after I have lived so long with a partial view thinking that’s all there was to see.