Day 12. 11 classes.
It sucks that I feel like shit. I woke up a little heartbroken. There’s a sadness in my heart from the boy breaking up with me… among other things. I was planning on going to yoga, but when my bestie called and proposed a beach day instead, I had to go. My plan was to simply catch a later class, but then that was interrupted when the ex called and asked to talk about the falling of our relationship.
I left the beach, burnt. Bright lobster burnt and hurried downtown with yoga mat and clothes in tow. I wanted to meet him after work, but not make him wait too long so that he got frustrated and left, because it was important to have a face to face. I hopped in a cab and the cab driver told me I looked like a barbie doll with curves and big, bright blue eyes. “You must get everything you want” he said.
Interesting cab conversation. I appreciated the compliment. It wasn’t in a creepy way, it was a genuine ‘you are remarkably and noticeably pretty’ type way. Which is always welcomed. And needed. Gave me a boost of confidence to walk into the post break up talk. I had no idea what he wanted, or was going to say. I did break his heart. However, after some explaining and apologizing we sort of worked it out. It was a mistake. My mistake, and his interpretation of that mistake made for a world war three like explosion, in our worlds.
He said he wasn’t used to relationships that go 100mph and I said I wasn’t used to ones that didn’t. We talked about perception and how I feel he does not perceive me the way I feel I actually am. We agreed. Through all of the talk, including the opening statement from him which was “I don’t expect us to get back together” and me agreeing it just was too comfortable to walk away from completely.
I do really care about him. A lot. I feel so foreign in my own head because I am unable to tell if this is a good relationship or a bad one. We had a lot of problems when we first started. A lot of walls to break down and bridges to cross, however once we passed the beginning hurdles, it seemed to be working. It’s hard to go into a relationship knowing that I’ll be leaving the country in a few months. So I’m not sure if he wants to get back together or not.
I was so bummed that I missed yoga today. Like I said, I feel like shit about it. Today was one of those days where there was just not enough hours. I have my stuff with me and am roaring to go to my normal 8am class tomorrow. Interested how it will go with this upper body sun burn. I think knowing that I’m capable of doing a double, I don’t feel the need to push myself anymore. Also, all of a sudden doing 30 classes in 30 days doesn’t seem as important.
There is so much happening in the world right now. Good and bad. People are at war with each other, their government, other countries, their jobs and themselves. Anything and everything can cause problems for people and I understand. It makes me feel petty and silly when the world is fighting and I’m over here like ‘i wanna do 30 days of bikram.’
Meryl Streep said one of my favorite things ever, when she accepted one of her academy awards. She said “I called my mother and asked if it was ok to be happy for the awards when there is so much going on in the world.” And she said her mother replied with “Well, write a big check to a good charity and go enjoy yourself tonight.” It’s beautiful and simple all at once.
Do the best you can do, when you can do it. We do live in a material world. There are people and countries that will always be at war. From where I’m standing I am not technically involved with the Syrian devastation. It has not effected my first world bubble. I can’t spend my time worrying about something if I’m not willing to work towards or change that something.
I am hoping it is my yoga practice that has brought me this sense of “we shall see.” Where I don’t feel the need to have the answers right now. I have no idea if I’m in for a big huge blow up with this guy, or if I’m in for letting my guard down and letting someone actually love me and having the awful courage it takes to love someone. Really, only I can tell or will know… when the time is right.
Bottom line, I told him if we get back together he has to come to a bikram class with me.
2 thoughts on “Breaking Bikram”
Duffy–Your questions are so universal. I hope I am not discouraging to you when I speak from twice as many years on this earth as you have so far. Some of these questions are NEVER answered. None of us can know the future. Love is a matter of faith. And living in the future of it is just diminishing the moment. Even the best, most wonderful relationships end badly because one of the partners dies first. Life is a huge ball of gray. Try not to ask for what it can’t give…definite answers.
Jeri, it is embedded in my nature to ask questions that don’t have definitive answers. That’s how and why I am a writer. The quest for these answers will be a lifelong journey, however the pay off are the answers I come up with myself and the peace I find when I can let it go and not have the answers.