Take my hand and we’ll make it I swear…

Wow-a-woo-wie! FIFTEEN DAYS and FOURTEEN CLASSES! Half way through, baby!!!

Today was an AMAZING class! I’m telling you the bikram roller coaster is an intense ride.

I was tired and again nervous. My tummy was unsettled. I really believe that it helps the most to go on days when you (a) don’t feel like it and (b) are subconsciously talking yourself out of it.

When I got home from yoga, I sat down to write the blog. Well, first I showered and poured granola into a bowl and covered it in yogurt and started stuffing it in my face, like it was going out of style. I popped two benadryl’s on my way inside my apartment because I’ve been having such a horrible time sleeping. It worked, because by the time second dinner was out of the over, my eyes were too heavy even to entertain making any sort of sense in written form.

So I spent the day sleeping, which was great because – 1) I slept through a flash storm (heard the crashing rain and thunder though) and 2) had a beautiful dream which was more like a Rom-Com and had a happy ending. Also I was the female lead and it was a dream mix of Paul Rudd and Vince Vaughn combined as the romeo.

Now that it is so many hours later, I have lost the high I was on. I was really tired and wanted to wake up like a normal person, in the morning to go to work. Not in the beginning of the night, when my body was just getting ready to get the night-time rest it so desperately wants.

After 15 days with nothing on my mind but bikram, I can see and feel changes. Sometimes it is hard because I expect to feel or look a certain way, but really it has only been 15 days and the changes are prominent only to me. It is important to keep it all relative and remember any worth while process, is undoubtedly a slow one.

I got praise in the locker room today for my 2nd double in less than a week. Her and another lady were talking about how the idea is just too much for them and I assured them, after my second double, that is is so much more of a gratifying feeling. First of all to conquer your fear and then secondly to see what your body is capable of. I left on a beautiful high and my body felt so amazing this morning.

I was going to take a picture in the studio this morning for my blog of me in a pose, because I was able today to do standing head to knee (with out the head to knee part), standing bow and camel. I have been able to do them all, in seperate classes. This was the first class that I got as far as I did – on all three.

I did NOT want to take a picture for 3 reasons

1) I didn’t want to ask. I was embarassed. Not that any of the girls there would have laughed at me. They were busy checking people in for the next class anyway…

2) I didn’t want to be “that girl.” I hate the photos of people who are enjoying a day at the beach and then just bust out into standing bow. However, I understand now it is because they’re proud of their accomplishment.

3) I wore shorts today. My legs. I try to like my entire body, however, I can not stand my legs. My thighs are so big. Today for some reason they were jiggly-er than usual, too. It was hard for me to look in the mirror at them.

During class it’s a struggle because you are there testing and challenging your body, but then you have to stare face to face at it too. There is no avoiding what you currently are. Which is sort of what’s happened to me lately as far as “perception of me.” Where I think I am one way or one type of person, but it just doesn’t come off that way to others.

So another day, in the bag. It’s a really shitty night at work tonight. People just fussing and yelling because they are not getting what they want. It’s exhausting. I really can’t stand the drastic changes from this morning and being hopeful and helpful to tonight where I just want to ask these people if they’re ‘fucking kidding me?’ I got yelled at and shrugged at because I told a guy who cut the line that I had to help the other people first. He called me a bitch. It was implied I was stupid for asking a family of 5 if they wanted two beds instead of the assigned one. He declinedand asked if I could read the confirmation. I wondered where the hell he’s going to make those poor kids sleep.

I try. It’s a constant battle. Through the entirity of life. They don’t tell you that growing up because they want you to enjoy what little time you have of being unbiased of the big bad world. A childs innocence is a terrible thing to waste. Through bikram I suppose I am able to get back in touch with the core of me – the most purest form of me. Talk to my inner child, rekindle that relationship, live from joy and love and possibility instead of obligation.

There is too much obligation as adults and we make most of it up ourselves. I’m cutting some of it out – except of course, the obligatory standing bow selfie. Boom.