You wait little girl on an empty stage for fate to turn the light on…

Day 17  – Class 16

(I googled the lyrics to “You are 16 going on 17” to steal a line for my title. Reading the lyrics to the song makes one thing clear – Rolf was a dick.)

I woke up this morning, starving. Allowed my self a splurge meal (both financially and calorically) so I went for pancakes. When I walked in the sole server said “sit anywhere.” I opted for the two top against the wall. On my way in to the booth side of the New York style seating, my booty hit the chair on the table next to mine.

I sat down, a little embarrassed because people stared and I felt fat. Then when the waiter came over and asked what I wanted to order, I told him my ideal was pancakes but I was going to get the turkey club benedict instead. Then before he was finished taking my order I interrupted him I said “Actually, I want two chocolate chip pancakes AND the turkey club benedict.”

He looked at me, nodded and said “Excellent. Sounds good.” He left to put my order in and I pulled out my book to start reading. (I’m reading THE VISIBLE MAN by Chuck Klosterman – SO good!) Soon enough my food arrived and I began to dive in to the decadence which was my breakfast. I had begun my day thinking my sleep was decadent because I slept alone, and all through the night. Over the past 7 months I’ve been with Boy he’s undoubtedly spent at least 98% of my off nights with me, so it’s funny to actually sleep alone, in the dark. (The other days I sleep in the daylight because of my schedule.)

I ate what I could and left the rest. I left full and satisfied. Satisfied because I actually ordered what I wanted. I basically ordered two breakfasts and ate them both. I didn’t care about being judged, as if anyone there was judging or even gave two shits what I ate for breakfast anyway. It was strangely liberating, eating alone, asking for exactly what I wanted, and eating exactly how much I needed.

However, after the rich breakfast my tummy was a little upset. I also got so incredibly tired that I took a nap.  Therefore missing the 12 o’clock class and leaving the option of only the 4:30 left for the day. My tummy was still upset in the late afternoon but my 8am breakfast was all I had eaten today. So… class was rough. It is always recommended to not eat 3 hours before a class.

The studio was hot and felt like a heavy blanket just draped over the entire room. During the first forward bend I was nauseous and lightheaded. I knew it was going to be a long class. I couldn’t go hard, like I try. I had to sit out poses for the first time. I think I sat through a total of 3 poses. Mostly the ones involving bending so then of course, camel. I tried the 2nd set of camel and immediately was like “abort abort abort.” Being the most intense backward bend it can really make you queasy.

All that was going through my head was “just don’t throw up, stay in the room…don’t puke…you can run out if you need, but don’t.” I hate throwing up and I never do it. I used to throw up a lot as a kid so now I only do it if it’s vital to my body. I made it through the class. Feeling a little down that I couldn’t give it 100%, but I literally just did not have anything else to give. Now that I’ve gotten home and eaten, I feel a lot better. Tummy still a little queasy, And of course as always – glad I went.

I also had a weird morning because a man from my past came up. We didn’t have direct contact but I saw something on facebook. It was one of those things where I think my heart just fell to my feet. To be perfectly honest with you, he was the one I thought I was going to marry and birth babies for. The female delusion, I see now, when I had our future planned by our 3rd date. However, I could not get him out of my brain during class. There was a moment when I just told myself to let him go. I haven’t been thinking of him at all lately, but I did wonder if he’s still in Chicago and if the possibility of ever running into still exists. It does.

I just felt off. My eyes teared up a little during class because I was letting him get the better of me, during my time. In my head, I wished him the best and filed the thought of him away, until later. So I ended up finishing strong. I’m glad he came up again as it gives me the strength to say goodbye, again.

I’m telling you – this 30 day journey is insane. It is bikram-mania in your head because you constantly have to be planning. You have to first plan which class you’re going to, then not eat 3 hours before, have a yoga bag packed with a mat, towel, water and clothes. It ends up consuming more than the 90 minutes of class time. I made a joke today about it being laundry day. I’m on such a tight budget I can’t afford to buy any more yoga clothes, which sucks because I only have 4 bottoms, 4 bras and some tanks – so instead, lots of laundry.

Holiday weekend so Monday there’s only two classes. My bikram buddy and I talked about making tomorrow a double. We shall see, we shall see. See you then.