*Breakthrough*

Day 24. Class numero 23.

I’m telling you – this is the best feeling I’ve ever had about myself and certainly the most peace I’ve had with life, in I think my entire life.  I can’t tell you exactly what is happening, but I know that it’s a mix of several things. The first of which being the desire and courage to change, the second being taking the action to change and bringing in the rear is the endurance needed to change.

We had a new instructor today. It was funny because in our small little studio community, it’s very tight knit. I heard two girls whisper in class before it began “yeah there’s a new girl teaching today.” I smiled to myself. It was a good class, in my opinion she rushed her speech and therefore the class was rushed. I thought she hurried along part of the poses, which in a way I was like “yes! the hard ones will go by faster.”

After the class I thought to myself, I can’t wait to see one of my regular teachers so I can trash talk the new girl because there was absolutely no heart in her instruction. Then I laughed to myself because I was pre-planning some trash talk. I don’t really mean to discount the instructor, in my head it’s more of a ‘but you’re so much better than her’ type of sentiment for the teachers I adore. Regardless, the road to change is not necessarily a straight (or noble) path. ha ha.

The emotions I am trying to tackle are a little intimidating. I guess I’d like to first admit that I fully believe in a mind/body connection. I don’t like talking about my metaphysical beliefs because it makes some people think I’m weird. However, I have the confidence now to say I don’t give a shit what you think about me. I digress… However wiith that being said “extra” weight comes from emotions. Everything in your body is a reflection of what’s in your mind. Yoga brings the two together. It’s a wonder I haven’t been doing yoga since I first opened my beliefs to this.

Which is why when there are certain poses that you can’t do or feel you should be better it is generally connected to something besides your actual physical body. For instance – my thighs and ass are huge. (Ever heard me say that before?) I’m the only one in class that when laying flat on the ground, stomach side down, my ass goes higher than my head. True story.  The most I ever remember weighing is 300 lbs, the least I’ve ever remember weighing is 211 lbs. When I was 300lbs, I wore a size 28. (Seriously) When I was 211 lbs, I wore a size 20. When I was 265 lbs, I wore a size 20. When I weighed 224 lbs I wore a size 16. Wait, what?

Last summer I fit into a size 16 jean. This proved to me two things – 1. Weight means nothing when it comes to size 2. I dropped a lot of emotional weight last summer and therefore I was able to zip up smaller jeans. I wish the word “boy” wasn’t in my vocabulary so much, but last year there was this boy… I was head over heels in love with him. Secretly and not so secretly hoping he’d be the one I’d marry and make babies with.  Didn’t work out, yet I held on. The day I met him I knew I’d love him forever. I spent all last summer trying to let him go, then finally I did.

So the same thing is happening now, but with yet another boy (not The Boy boy, but even another boy). Also, I’m reaching way down and I want to crack open the emotional cement that has been my big thunder thighs since adolescence. Unfortunately it has roots in my childhood. How trite, I know… And yes, there are daddy issues and mommy issues but they really don’t matter because what it fizzles down to is me issues.

There’s nothing I can do to change my upbringing and to be perfectly honest I don’t want to. I love my immediate family with every fiber of my being. What I WANT is to love ME that way, too. I am not sure when I had to turn against myself; When I started telling myself that ballooning at a steady pace was okay because I wasn’t good enough, important enough or “right” enough to be one of the skinny, beautiful girls.

I have a picture, from when I was 22 years old. I had made a new friend at the hostel I worked at and she taught me how to put on sexy, flattering make-up. (Something I was never taught) I remember looking at that picture and thinking ‘who is that?!’ with those big blue eyes shining out of that gorgeous face. I barely recognized myself. It was the beginning of me coming out of my shell, into myself and into my womanhood.

Ever since then it’s been a wishful steady incline (because my god were there setbacks!) However, the holdfast desire to change was always present.  Years later of constant searching and wondering I am able to begin (what feels like) the final dig. I know I am so close to hearing my hips C R A C K open during bow pose and the feelings of worthlessness, less than thou, ugly, fat, unwanted, undesirable, unable to be in a healthy relationship, unable to attract someone for love and not sex, too loud, too annoying, blunt, ill mannered, cussing and intensely passionate defenses shrivel and die as the light of acceptance, love and worthiness pour in like the sun would for the first time into an abandoned cave.

Although fully supported by friends and family during my 30 day challenge, Bikram is a challenge one can only do on their own. I am the only one showing up for class and I am the only one pouring my heart and consciousness into each pose, day after day.  Same thing with my emotional journey. You can tell me I’m beautiful and amazing, courageous and inspiring, however my hips and thighs do not have ears. They can not hear those outside things because I have not been saying them inside.

Today, during class – I did.

I’m telling you, bikram 30 day challenge – game changer.

Thanks for reading.

With Love…

Namaste.