Day 25, class 24.
I hate not having internet in my apartment, because I just came from class and am sitting in a starbucks, freezing. It’s 95 degrees outside, however that doesn’t matter because it’s always an icebox in here anyway. So covered in sweat that is now turning to icicles… I present day 25’s blog.
Last night I stayed in a hotel downtown, because I deserved it. My intention was to wake up at 5 am (like I usually do on my day off) and go to the 6 am class so that I would have time to come back to the hotel and get a little king-size-bed-sprawl in before check out. Then later, do a 2nd class. However what actually happened was I woke up at 8. What?
So I also missed the 8am class. It worked out because then I was able to have a free hotel breakfast which consisted of powdered eggs, greasy sausage and watery oatmeal. (Don’t be jealous) My friend called and insisted on helping me clean the apartment I live in which is a side note to the fact that as of late the real tenant has been the pile upon pile of clothes strewed about. She came over, we folded like we have never folded before. My floor is not only visible, but all you see is floor. I told her the best thing about a clean apartment is, according to feng shui rules, I will be able to tell which part of my life I’m having difficulties with because it will the part of my apartment that gets disorganized the quickest.
My bikram buddy texted me while we were cleaning and asked if I had gone to class yet. I told her not yet, so we agreed to meet for the 5:30. On my way to class – even though my apartment is PRISTINE, SPOTLESS, INCREDIBLY CLEAN and lovely- I was grumpy. There were tons of people there today. The room was full – bodies touching full. And of course that means it’s extra hot and humid. It was so hot today she not only had to turn the fan on, but opened the windows and cracked the door.
My practice was good and steady, but I didn’t push anything. It was too extremely hot that I was getting light headed and had to stay very conscious of myself. I went into class with a cloudy brain, due to several surprise pieces of broken iceberg that floated to the surface today from the bottom of my anxiety rock. However, I was impressed and thankful for the times in class I was so paranoid about going overboard and eventually getting sick that all I could do was breathe. So in a way, I made strides in class and only sat out one pose because I just fucking felt like it. (ha!) (I showed me) (Toe stand) (I can’t do it anyway so I just have to stand there like a stupid tree.) (<- That last line just made me laugh, out loud… and people stared)
For those of you that read my “breakthrough” blog yesterday, you know I was really feeling on top. Today, is the other side of that breakthrough. Imagine a breakthrough as an explosion – there will always be debris to be picked up. So that is where I am today. “Picking up the pieces” by way of fighting against bouts of anger and the constant urge to break into tears, it’s been a tough day. While cleaning my apartment I just was mean and grumpy and my beautiful friend just let me feel and express those things to eventually get passed them.
This turned in to more than a “let’s see if a fat girl with no bikram experience can do 30 classes in 30 days and blog about it” challenge to “holy shit, my whole life is changing and I’m becoming the woman I was always too scared or too afraid to be” milestone. Quite the epic journey, I say.
Australia is coming up soon. Like WITHIN 4 months and one week I will be living in the country furthest away from my home. There is not one thing about my trip that is stable so far, except the fact I am going. Everything else turned out to be a variable. Including, unfortunately, my first month travel buddy. She’s up for a part in a show (which we are rooting for her to get) but that would mean she wouldn’t be able to come. Which means I would make the 20-something hour trek over the great ocean blue, sola.
I went into class grumpy and I came out grumpy. There are some things you have control over and some you don’t. I don’t have control over these emotions but that doesn’t mean I’m walking around yelling at people and telling them they’re stupid. It just means I have to sit with this until it passes. Unfortunately when old emotions are raised it is the emotion itself, not the memory it stemmed from. Therefore I feel like a psychopath walking around mad and angry with no target and no referenceable cause. I also haven’t cried in… actually I have no idea when the last time I cried was. It doesn’t happen often. When it does, it comes on fast and strong (sort of the way I do when I meet a guy).
My plan tonight is to walk across the street to the grocery store, buy some pasta (oh yeah, I’m broke too. Australia better be worth eating pasta in Chicago) and rent a red box movie that hopefully will induce tears. Then I will sit on my bed, with no cable and no internet but plenty of AC and cry over my pasta. HASHTAG SINGLE! haha
5 more days. 6 more classes. I can do this. I can totally do this. I am doing this. I’ve done this… for 25 days. What’s 5 more… and the rest of my life.