The past week or so has been sort of life changing. And not in a tangible way. In more of a way that this is the week that it all began to change. So maybe not a week full of change, but rather full of the beginning of change.
In the past few days I 1) finished a book that will inevitably sit with me for the rest of my life 2) worked my last overnight shift and am officially on the day time roster 3) moved my bed and now everything is different, even my perspective.
1) A book was recommended to me by a friend. I take book suggestions lightly, very, very lightly. I never expect anyone to be able to suggest something that hits me so personally. However, this friend is one who is living the dream, so to speak. My dream. She, Nicole, is a traveler living in harmony with the universe, by way of living from her heart and experiencing all the world has to offer.
The book ISHMAEL by Daniel Quinn is … hard to explain. Even if I tried with a superficial explanation, you would quickly lose focus after my first line of introduction which would have to be “So this guys answers an ad in the paper… from a Gorilla.” Think what you will but it’s an amazing philosophical book which gets the reader thinking about our evolution as man. How humans came to be the humans we are today.
I will not go into great detail about this. Truth be known, I do feel like it would be wasted effort as I believe the majority of people are not ready or willing to hear this sort of talk. Perhaps that is poor judgement on my part. Needless to say, this book has started my mind-a-racing. Things like there were two options for humans and our ancestors picked the one where we decided the Earth was for us, as we were the most important creature on it, and thus led to us destroying it.
I am the type of person that stops to evaluate her life, and her place in life. I am the type of person that since a very young age knew that following the status quo was not something I would ever do. I knew that things and paychecks were not what was going to make me happy or feel successful. As I’ve grown older I have consciously tried to grow wiser. This may be the first time in my life where I am at not at odds with myself.
Leaving the stability of my life to move to Australia for a year is terrifying. I can’t say that enough. I am not doing this because I am comfortable with it. I am doing it because it scares me shitless. Granted, as it happens I will not be scared. It is probably that now, 3 months ahead of my physical arrival I am already living in Australia. As Eckhart Tolle will tell you, living in the future is called the anxiety gap. So I am not planning the future, but keeping my eyes up and focused on it so that I do not fall prey to any of the hundreds of obstacles flying into my way.
2) I am so nervous. It’s 10pm on Sunday and I am due back in work at 2:30pm Monday. My sleep schedule is still a mess. So it will be interesting to see what time I get tired tomorrow as, honestly, I am already ready to sleep tonight. My last overnight was friday night. When I left on Saturday morning there was a little ambivalence from me about 2nd shift. It will be so different. First of all, sleeping at night again will be so strange. My body is craving it.
Since I started yoga I noticed my body much more lined up – especially my body clock. Rewound, it was, to coincide with the universe. So this change is well welcomed, but at the same time it feels like such a drastic change. I will no longer be on the opposite schedule of the entire time zone. I will blend in, anonymously again, on the crowded public transportation.
I knew this day was coming, and maybe it just is that it means I am this much closer to leaving. I knew I would be off overnights by November and that it would be close to my departure. I am just excited to have a sense of normalcy in my life again. The hardest part for my body on overnights was the eating thing. I never knew when to eat, because it just always seemed too late.
3) This being the night before the shift change, I knew another shift/change was in order. My bed had always been cornered against a wall. Partly in front of the window and partly with the head of the bed against the heater. With winter coming, I knew the bed would have to be moved at some point. I decided it was a good time to readjust the energy in my apartment and a good old furniture flip was in order.
I was forced to buy new sheets, and debated for 45 minutes at target over spending the $25. I spent $20 on a new pair of yoga pants the other day and didn’t even bat an eyelash. I also ended up splurging to a sickening point and spending almost $100 that day, I bought EVERYTHING except what I set out for – a new pair of jeans. Old Navy was having a huge sale and jeans were only $20. They were the type of jeans I’ve dreamed about for months ones that were NOT skinny jeans. (I’m so over skinny jeans and praise the day manufactures quit tapering the damn jeans) Yet I didn’t buy them. I am teetering between two sizes (one full size and then some smaller than what I was 2 months ago!) So basically my thought was I would wait until I’m comfortable in the 2 size smaller pants (maybe 2 or 3 more weeks?) and just buy them then.
I debated these sheets for however long, knowing I’ve been sleeping on a pile of blankets recently. I went to lunch with a friend today and without debate handed my card to the server when the $36 bill arrived. I would have had no problem paying the tab – granted it was my friends birthday, but we always switch off paying regardless. But these damn sheets just did not want to be paid for. AS I debated in the sheet isle I told myself “you only have a month and a half left in your apartment, why would you buy sheets, it’s useless” then looked to my oversized shopping cart at all the mindless shopping I had done and saw the junk in my cart for what it was.
So I picked up the sheets, the groceries, a long sleeve shirt I “treated” myself with and a $5 movie and headed to the check out. I spent more than I wanted (ideally I’d like to have spent $0 so that wasn’t a real goal) and I spent less than I thought I would (thought I’d rack up $100 worth of crap).
Yesterday I pulled the sheets out of the packaging and was about to put them on my bed but couldn’t. I wasn’t ready to accept the $25 fate of these damn sheets. So I slept with my bed in the corner and on top of the pile of blankets. Today, when I got home from lunch I started folding clothes like it was going out of style. I even have two ikea bags full of stuff to give away sitting in one of my closets. I intend to give a lot-lot more away, however, this was the first step.
I moved my bed to a free standing position on the other side of the room, literally cutting the space of my apartment in half. The energy is completely different. Now one half of my shoe box studio is for sleeping and the other is for movie watching, book shelving and journal storage. There is no “clutter” visible as I consider books, dvds and my journals some of my favorite things because they remind me of so much possibility for my creative and verbal future. Clothes are in the closet and I don’t own much else, except for a few boxes of memories of my dad, which are out of sight as well.
So like I said before, although there was change, this is the type of change that is the beginning of bigger change via: A book which opened my mind and gave me the courage to keep believing in my instincts, as it turns out I think I’m on to something. A job which will afford me a dream. A home which permits peace, comfort, safety and the constant opportunity for rejuvenation.
Nicole has said twice to me recently through our electronic interactions to cherish this time I’m living in now. Meaning the time before I leave for my travels. This time which is empty of known but full of possibility. At times, it is hard as my stagnant saving accounts is a constant source of worry, however, now I get it. Now I feel it. I’m on the edge of the world where everything is possible.