Live in Peace.

Let’s talk about death.

Everyone is so sad and so upset for the loss of Robin Williams. A very talented, unmatched artist whose career reached several generations of people. I woke up and saw the news, first thing. My reaction was brief.

For some reason I didn’t gasp in disbelief, I didn’t feel a pang in my heart. I felt like his soul was at peace. They say that great comedians generally have great darkness. I believe it because I’ve seen it, in some people.

*Before you read on, please bear in mind that this is just me, free thinking into blog form.

 

As a person with a very dark, twisted, “there’s no point” to life side I understand the emptiness and the need to fill it. I’ve been through various phases of desperate and failed attempts to fill the void, shew the emptiness. However, it isn’t a hole, with a bottom for soil to be shoveled on to. It is a gaping tunnel of infinity that will always be a part of everything.

When Philip Seymour Hoffman overdosed and died, I felt a pang. A pang so deep that during my 10 day Vipassana, a week after he died, he came floating through my mind and I started crying. His intention wasn’t to die. His intention was to live, but he made a mistake. His body couldn’t handle the drugs on top of the constant chatter within fighting against each other.

Robin Williams chose to end his life. I feel that his soul is at peace. I didn’t know him. I don’t know what happens after life. I don’t know whether or not God actually exists.  What I know is what it’s like to lose one of your favorite people (daddy), and what it’s like to lose a loved one to suicide. Both instances were incredibly sad and heartbreaking.

Losing my Dad was hard, because he was a part of my everyday life – from day 1. It was a personal thing not having him around anymore. Not being able to call him and chat to him and run things by him for review and support. At his funeral people said “he’s at peace now. he’s no longer in pain.” I wanted to punch them. I didn’t get it. I was selfish. I wanted him back alive, for me, for my benefit. Regardless of how HE was feeling.

When my loved one committed suicide it was a similar thing, although it was more brutal to watch as his immediate family had to put together the pieces of his life, that would hopefully tell the story of why he decided to jump. It was awful. At the funeral everyone was saying “he’s at peace. he’s not in pain.” I was mad. I had a lot of anger then, that I felt I couldn’t express because no one else was MAD. I was. I was furious. I thought it was selfish of HIM to decide to take his own life and leave everyone to fend for themselves.

Now, I feel that I have a little more clarity on how I feel about death. I think that WE as the survivors tend to blow it out of proportion. I think it becomes something that is completely subjective. Where you are in your life, I believe, influences a lot of how you relate and therefore react to certain news.

I am not scared of death the way I used to be. I used to be scared to fly, because I used to be scared of dying. Now I don’t feel the same way about it. When I am in an airplane and it becomes turbulent, I close my eyes and think about the life I’ve led – I have literally done everything I’ve ever wanted to do in the time I’ve had here. Yes, there are still “bucket list” items, but if I die tomorrow, let’s face it – my soul will already be soaring free while my mother weeps hysterically over the phone, receiving the dreaded news.

We don’t have a choice whether or not we will be born, but we do have a choice whether or not we will live. The choice to live versus the choice to exist is the ultimate choice, contending with the older, classic debate – good vs evil.

Some die before we, the livers, see it fit. To us it doesn’t make any sense that parents bury children, good members of society never wake up, a sober Atheist gets hit by a drunk driving Christian and that wars take all sorts across the board. We don’t know the purpose and what awaits on the other side.

However, I have to say I believe that something meaningful awaits. There is a form or sense of understanding, wholeness and completeness on the other side that some humans just can not find with a pulse.

Scrolling through facebook seeing all the posts being very respectfully solemn and saddened by the loss of Robin Williams, with people quoting his lines and remembering the laughter, joy or moments of connection he brought to so many. I do not feel the need to say Rest In Peace. He is at peace. As we should be. He was a man who was able to reach SO many and share his art, his way, his humor, his heart. His family will be broken for a while, being that suicide is so blunt to the survivors so to them we should offer an L.I.P – Live in Peace.

All of our times will come, but we can’t spend time fearing that day. We can’t be afraid to go our destined ways because other people will be sad. This is the same for life, too. As a whole, what is it that we are afraid of that holds so many of us back? When a person is broken down to the depth of their depression, their sadness, their fear, their inability to be what they think others expect and their insecurities surface and are exposed for what they truly are it is easy to see that we are all the same.

We all have the same fears and concerns. We all want to be happy, loved, successful and any number of things we can mix and match. Humans are like a Venn Diagram, where there is at least a sliver of us that overlaps with everyone else. When we take the time to narrow it down and figure it out, everything changes because we become equals. The recognition of equality is synonymous to the capacity for compassion.

We live in a vibrant world of color, from black to white and everything in between. Life is beautiful and life is ugly. It can be a magical, spiritual experience or it can chew you up and spit you out. We don’t often have the choice in that, but we always have the choice in our reactions. We can chose a hell of a lot more than what we lead ourselves to believe we can. Choose life. Choose love. Choose to be a beacon. Choose to be a strong hand for those who need a grip. And then one day, when you are tired and you choose not be strong, someone will be there for you.