“Residual” (Day 2 … 30 days to 30)

YesterDAY was fine… woke up ready for the challenge. Last night got a little more hairy. Emotions started rising to the surface. A comment here and a replay of a comment from there and next thing you know I was sitting in my room alone and feeling slighted.

I turned to facebook as an outlet – as one does in a desperate attempt for human connection whilst stuck in the dusty bush of Australia. Luckily, several friends reached out to help me though that storm. After realizing my “problems” are predominantly on the inside, we set to make a plan to begin construction on the areas that needed mending.

I closed my computer at 3 am and started off on my meditation allotment of the day. I felt strong. So I woke up this morning and felt strong. I was ready to conquer day 2! There was no fuss about it – I knew I had to wake up, drink water, do my sun salutation, eat some oatmeal and take a picture…

Already I love these challenges for forcing me into a routine! It’s so nice waking up an hour before work instead of 10 minutes. I love having time to adjust into my day. I opened my eyes this morning and said “GOOD MORNING WORLD!” just like how I used to with my dad, when I was a little girl.

I went into work a little tired, but not awful, and without my glass of soymilk like I had done yesterday for my customary cup of coffee. Work went well, I felt strong minded and focused. I was working lunch in the bistro, which meant hanging out in the kitchen smelling all the yummy meat and dairy filled food the chef was preparing. He would offer me some, I would decline. Then he had an orange which he shared with me. Simple, but it felt like support, which was really nice.

After work lunch was over my mouth was already watering for my own lunch. I had decided on duplicating yesterdays menu… so it was a hummus wrap with spinach, cucumber, tomato, avocado and dill. It was so good, filling yet not overwhelming.

By the time I got to the 2nd part of my shift – reception, I could tell my “challenge” high was wearing off. Real life started to set back in and I was trying to find good, be positive, be grateful. There are several things about my workplace that piss me off beyond belief. Part of which is the way in which I get treated and the way the managers choose to run this place.

I try, oh lawd, do I try to let it go. But for those that know me or have read any of my painstakingly blunt blogs – you know I’m not one to keep my mouth shut. So I try. I try not to tell people when they piss me off and that I disagree. However, it is hard. In fact, we may even call it a challenge.

Regardless of the others I am dead set on making these 30 days about me. I need to show myself how much I love myself by taking 10 positive steps towards my personal growth. Thank goodness I have a great Coober Pedy Bestie who sat with me yesterday while I butchered my 20 pushups. However, she is an amazing source of support, inspiration and laughter!

Wanting to smoke comes up sometimes, when I’m flustered. For instance, I made a mistake at work tonight and had to have one of the managers aide me in fixing it. He laughed at me and asked what I was thinking and when I went to explain, cut me off and asked why I take everything so seriously. I spent the next hour with tears running down my cheeks at work. I couldn’t stop crying.

I’d like to blame hormones and the increase of water, but I fear it’s more. I’ve been using the term “broken” lately in regards to myself and how I feel. I do feel broken. This is not a pleasant experience nor one to gloat about. However, this is the painful reality of my being at the moment. I do think I am in a very powerful phase of development when everything must break to be rebuilt.

In fact, I’m sure if I scroll back to other posts I will surely find ones of similar nature and content. When we have lows we should be excited for the next phase will undoubtedly be a high. The problem is when you’re down you’re instinct is not to look up…

I’m proud of myself for not “cheating” and looking for a smoke. Or when I got home to have some girl chit chat with my bestie and she asked “can I eat doritos and french onion dip in front of you?” and I was like of course… if you share… oh wait, I’m a vegan eater. Needless to say I read the ingredients of the doritos bag, just in case – no go. So I ran to the kitchen and quickly heated up a whole wheat tortilla and peanut butter and put two spoonfuls of raspberry jam on it so I could have comfort food snack too!

This is going to be a great challenge because parts of it feel so easy, yet as a whole this is really a lifestyle challenge, which is quite difficult to change overnight… Unless you’re stubborn and signed yourself up for it.

The good news is I thought it was going to be super expensive to eat vegan here in the outback, but I was surprised to find my first vegan shopping trip cost $80, which will be the staples for about a week – week and a half.

We’ll talk about the German tomorrow. If I drop a challenge before 3o days, my money is definitely on that one. It’s hard (for me) to learn a language without a person instructing me. Also (surprisingly) I am really loving the read one article from Phys.org challenge. I’ve read some interesting things already and always find myself clicking on more articles rather than just the one. So cool! Never would have guessed….

Until tomorrow…