“Flounder” (Day 3)

Perhaps the routine of my days is roller coaster. I was in a great mood this morning when I woke up. Well, a little sore in the arm area and in parts of my body where it seems the muscles are waking up after just a few teases with pushups, planks and squats.

My abs have that fun quality of hurting when I laugh. It’s kind of cute, except that I spent at least 2 hours looking at the “humor” section on Pinterest during my very slow shift at work. All was good it seemed. I was left to my own devices on a very slow Saturday with only about a total of 10 encounters with guests today.

When I left work I decided to ask my boss a question that had been burning at me to ask. Recently I was taken off working dinners at the restaurant so I wanted to know why. I knew why – I guess what I really wanted was for someone to tell me why, as it was just done on the schedule and never acknowledged to me in person. I had to bring it up to the front desk manager who said “You have to bring it up with him” meaning the other manager. I asked her if she knew why and I could tell that she did but because she spins dramas wouldn’t tell me.

So tonight on what seemed like an unusually docile night for the boss I slipped it in to conversation. At first he couldn’t remember AND I SHOULD HAVE LEFT IT AT THAT AND WALKED AWAY. But ohhhhh no. That would be too easy. So I reminded him about “the incident” I had with a guest a few weeks ago where a drunken buffoon yelled at me because the kitchen gave him a soggy tuna sandwich in his lunch pack. Blah blah blaah and it got heated, real quick. Just like tonight. So my boss told me I wasn’t diplomatic enough – which, again, I knew what he was going to say.

I wanted to calmly ask him how I couldn’t be diplomatic enough to work the counter at the shitty bistro for dinner yet it was totally cool if I did for lunch, not to mention my full time hours were primarily at the front desk. Not diplomatic enough for food, but motel receptions is alright. Bullshit. So that’s what I said “That’s bullshit. This whole place is bullshit.” and I walked out.

…So I may have to cut my challenge short pending news of my current status of employment….

Nah, I think it’s alright. Right? Is it alright? So now almost 3 hours after work and I’m still thinking about it. My last job in the states I literally could walk out the door and forget EVERYTHING that had occurred in the previous 8 hours. I had absolutely no attachment to the place, the job or the work. That’s a perfectly fine and normal way to get through a job. However here, because we all live and work on the same property with the same 20 people day after day after day after day after day after day after day it breeds a fallacy of friendship and awareness. Everyone thinks they know everything. But they don’t.

So frustration rises. And for someone like me who doesn’t have a great track record with airing emotion freely or even processing it, it festers until it erupts. So tonight was a little eruption, but truth be told it made me feel better. At least he knew exactly what I was thinking, when I was thinking it and in a month when I quit and tell him how much I hated it he doesn’t go “really?”

It feels like a set back because I didn’t have control, I went off in a desperate attempt to defend myself and save face. He was right though I didn’t handle THAT situation ideally. Neither did he though. And being “punished” for such an innocuous, fleeting encounter seems ludicrous, even for this place.

When I walked back to my room I felt the urges arising – junk food, cigarettes, anything. I felt empty and wanted something to fill the emptiness with. I almost just went to sleep and said fuck it. But I didn’t I lied on my bed with the anger and let it boil. Then I told people about it so I wasn’t hiding it. Then as time passed and I calmed down I realize it may not be such a big deal after all.  But I did disrespect my boss and don’t feel great about my reaction to valid concern.

I’m not sure if I’m woman enough to go into work tomorrow, on my day off to have a chat with him and apologize or do the thing I’m more comfortable with and live anxiously until Monday when I see him next.

Other than that – all challenges today were completed except Language. And wouldn’t you know it, I checked in a German couple tonight! They asked if I spoke German and I started laughing, shook my head and said “nein.”

Because it’s Saturday and I don’t work until 2:30 on Saturdays I slept in. So when I woke up around noon I wanted lunchy food, not brekkie food I made gnocchi with peas and a chili – lime tomato sauce. It turned out really nice considering I was kinda just throwing things in the pan whilst chatting to my mom on the phone. 2nd meal was a salad and veg from work, which is the 2nd day in a row I’ve eaten that so I have to work on taking food to work for dinner because that just won’t cut it. And then a PB & J wrap when I got home after my pushup, plank, squat routine.

I’d say I’m a little down right now – 60% overall, but I’m 100% proud of myself for not going for junk food and cigarettes. Yes, I didn’t do German. Steffi – I’ll send you a present. But I didn’t go to my old fall back self-harming patterns! That’s a big step.

Good night all… and til tomorrow….