“Identification” (Day 8)


Day 8 – Thursday to Thursday – as promised :

IMG_20141120_230354

Today was going to be a such a great blog. All day I’ve been so excited to share with you the fact that I’ve lost 3 kilos! 6.6 pounds! I’ve lost 3 inches in my waist, 2 in each of my thighs, an inch on my arm and and 1.5 around my booty/pouch area.

Honestly, it’s great. It’s incredible. It’s as to be expected – since every time I’ve “diet-ed” I’ve lost up to 7 lbs in the first week. Usually water weight.

And although this is a great side note to the challenge – which is NOT a weight loss challenge but rather just a perspective challenge, it brought up a lot for me in the past hour.

After my pics were taken I was eager to see the difference. I already knew the difference. I weighed myself this morning and have felt the change all week. So when I sat down to look at the pic I just had this feeling of “oh wait, I’ve been here before, I’ve done this before.”

And I have – last year with Bikram, the year before with Paleo and the year before on Cape Cod, where without even trying I lost a bunch of weight and accidentally got pretty fit and tan.

I don’t mind posting the photos as it’s part of my crusade of truth and honesty. It just bothers me that now I feel like I’M ALWAYS trying to loose weight. It’s so funny. It’s like it just clicked – how much time I’ve spent actually trying to loose weight in my life and how I never seem to be where I want to be in regards to the number. It seems the number on the scale, the number on my jeans or the number of times I see myself as beautiful are never quite what I want them to be.

It truly is a funny observation about oneself when you realize you’ve spent the majority of your adult life not being happy with yourself.

Pretty intense realization actually.

I wonder why I haven’t put my own health and happiness forward as my utmost priority. Thinking back to last year I can imagine a handful of things that would have been different had I been actually taking care of myself and not pretending to be.

This is not how I meant this blog to go at all. My intention was to tell you how great I feel, physically from this week of plant based eating. However, now I feel like my whole world shattered like the fragile glass it was, masquerading the truth behind the mirror, which is me stuck in my own unhappiness.

I know that being “skinny” won’t make me happy. The way that being a millionaire won’t solve problems. I just think that being the sole obstacle in the path between yourself and your happiness is a horrifying reality to come eye to eye with. I know I’ve tip toed around this before, even in blogs, about how I swear this time will be different, I’ve learned my lesson, blah blah blah and yet always end up back in the same place.

I also know that being overweight does not make me any less beautiful than being at an ‘ideal weight.’ Thinking that it does is what makes me less beautiful. Hindering myself is the tragedy of this story.

I’ve started to laugh a little now as I’ve caught myself completely off guard with this post and don’t exactly know where to go with it. I know I will wake up tomorrow and for the next 22 days and do this challenge, but then I’ll be thrown back into the world of non-public-challenge. The hard part , when it’s Me v Me instead of Me v You. No offence.

All the patterns I’ve set for myself are making themselves known right now. It’s like I can look back and see the progression map of my development and non-development. Jobs, boys, addictions and all the things….

I think I have to leave the blog at this for the night and actually need to spend some time thinking about this. Ha! See, folks, THIS is why you follow a persons 30 day challenge because at any moment the dam breaks because they’re challenging them-self in a way they haven’t before.

IF YOU WANT SOMETHING YOU’VE NEVER HAD BEFORE

THEN YOU MUST DO SOMETHING YOU’VE NEVER DONE BEFORE

My heart feels surprisingly light and happy right now. I feel like I just found some personal freedom.

Will update you all tomorrow.

another hummus breakfast wrap. just can't get enough...
another hummus breakfast wrap. just can’t get enough…

2 thoughts on ““Identification” (Day 8)

  1. Spiritual, emotional and mental breakthroughs are what mold our lives. No matter how earth shattering, joyous or painful they may be. Flourish in this new discovery. Remember that just because it started with only 30 days, doesn’t mean it has to stop in 30 days. If you like the way this challenge, this lifestyle makes you feel, extend it! Challenge yourself to a life you are proud of. A life in which you feel like the best person you’ve ever known. I’m proud of you! Keep searching! Keep fighting! Keep writing! Where are my damn pages?!

Go ahead, say it...

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s