“Stifled” (Day 22)

One of the boys from work took the pics tonight and he was so put out, he couldn’t even wait for it to focus. Sigh. 3 more weeks…

I feel like one of those crazy people that are responsible for their own cause and effect, then stop and wonder why.

While talking to my CPBFF today we realized there is certainly a reason that I’m going through the things I am going through. I was thinking later on tonight about how this experience here in the outback will seem like a dream once I am gone.

It does seem fitting that I’ll be wrapping up this experience in December after turning 30 and celebrating what will be a very unfulfilling Christmas. I do feel like I am tightening the bolts on the trainig wheels so I can peddle off into the sunset.

I slept in a motel room last night since the air conditioner in my room has been broken since I moved in. Finally getting to a point where I just could not sleep normally they let me upgrade. Last night, tucked into bed, with the AC on I still couldn’t fall asleep. My mind kept me up, thinking of all the things it doesn’t need to concern itself with, but does… at 1 am.

I weighed myself this morning and didn’t lose any weight. Luckily I didn’t feel bad about it. I knew that I haven’t been trying other than the pushups and lack of junk food and meat. However I have eaten a very carb heavy menu this week, which is normally the opposite of my usual.

I was feeling icky and wondering to myself if maybe I haven’t lost any weight at all until a regular guest came in tonight and as we were chatting I could tell his eyes kept moving down my body. Knowing he has a Mrs. and isn’t doing it in a creepy way he finally cut me off mid sentence and asked “what about you? what have you been doing? you’ve lost weight!” He insisted I’ve lost heaps and is proud and happy for me (so cute) and even offered to go walking with me after work. I declined on the walk today as all I could think about was coming home for a shower and getting into bed.

Part of my unsleeping last night was due to the raise in emotion. I swear you could be the badest motha-fucka around but as soon as you have a crush on someone you turn into a 12 year old child. It’s not even fun when you get older. It’s just embarrassing and crippling. I know that part of it is purely because of how insecure and over analysing we become over something as simple as sending a text or trying to make a lasting impression during a casual meeting.

I don’t know why I put hope into a situation like this. It’s pointless to hope some random is going to like you. Especially when you’re surrounded by people who want to take you out for a drink, yet you fixate on the one that puts up the biggest fight and plays hardest to get. It’s horrible, self-deprecating behaviour when you think about it.

Luckily, I’m not looking to fall in love. However after getting out of my last relationship in January it’s strange to want to have the comforts of having a partner and reap the benefits of intimacy – both physical and emotional yet not really being in a place where that is possible – both physically and emotionally.

I am getting more and more excited for the due date to leave this joint. This will be a very significant memory in my life. A very important time of growth and self-development. However, as far as life goes, this is not my life. A pop up town in the middle of the desert where people just happen to live. It just doesn’t seem like reality sometimes. Life is simple here which is good, however it is also un-challenged which causes people to create their own challenges.

The problem is people think that if they endure any challenge they become stronger, wiser, better off but the truth of the matter is you only gain strength from beating a challenge that is stronger than you to begin with. Meaning – if you spin a web of bullshit and try to get yourself out of it you’re not learning anything except how to spin a web. If you walk into someone else’s web that’s where the substance comes from.

I feel I was the worst kind before – creating my own, walking in circles on the hamster wheel (as my brother calls it). So that’s why I did this challenge, to shake things up, change perspectives, get out of my head for a while.

I think you’ll all agree it worked. So like I said before, I’m excited for the future, there’s a lot of amazing things that are going to happen. It might not happen tomorrow, but it will happen. This is a process – and like losing weight – doesn’t happen over night. In a year of two from now I may wake up happy, fit, well traveled, in love, pregnant or excited for life in a way I haven’t been before and think back to this night I sat alone in a motel room in the Australian Outback writing about how off track and confused I felt and not knowing how my nearest of futures will pan out.

This is why life is so extraordinary. Anything can happen when you start using your heart instead of your society-fed-logic so that life becomes sweet in a way it never was before. I’m still learning, trust me, but this is the beginning of a very beautiful friendship … between myself and I.


4 thoughts on ““Stifled” (Day 22)

  1. Ms Duffy–SO MANY things were running through my head as I read this post and I will have to re-read it to remember them all. The one i remember immediately is your plan for an “unfulfilling Christmas”. Well girlfriend, it definitely will be if you already plan for it to be. What can you do to make it better? Maye reach out and help someone else have a better holiday? If you set it up to be crap it will be crap. Oh! The training wheels! Why are you tightening the bolts on them? Why do you even have them you almost-30-year-old-woman? Loosen those bolts, shuck those training wheels. REALLY ride the bike. On the 12 year-old child we become when we’re crushing…when my mom was 89, she developed a crush on the 80-something man who lived across the hall from her. Yes, she became a 12 year old in regard to him. Lesson I learned? This is not something that goes away with age.
    Finally, in the middle of your post, you say your experience in this town will be like a dream once you leave, then you say it will be a “significant memory”. Hmmm, can it be both? I don’t mean to diss you, Duffy , I’m just saying I saw some stuff in this post that I needed to comment on. We may not always be responsible for our own “cause” but we are responsible for our own reaction/response to it. Are you starting to see patterns? Is that why you made that statement at the start of this post?

    1. My reference to an “unfulfilling Christmas” is a comment on social expectation with a hint of morbid sarcasm that Christmas day is the anniversary of my father’s death and will never be the same with out him. It was a comment for me, mostly.

      Tightening the bolts on the training wheels was a way to say to myself, and everyone else that it’s OK to be (almost) 30 and still in training. As I am. I would think that is a clear theme of my blog – always working on myself and trying to figure myself out. There is this stupid expectation we have for ourselves that when we get to X age we will be “adults” and have things figured out… that is SO not the case. We are all, and will always be in a sense “training.”

      The crush thing – yep, totally. It’s so annoying.

      It will be a significant time and a dream like memory. That is why I said both of those things! I know they may co-exist, I have others in my vault. It’s just a way to explain the juxtaposition of reality and surrealism, which is a recurring state of life.

      And yes, the whole point of all of this was my own personal realization that I am the cause and effect of [some] of my “problems” as examined though the ‘weaving the web’ analogy. See… still learning, still in training. =)

  2. Now I’m crying at work. It’s funny to me how we are in such similar places in our lives, spiritually, emotionally, geographically(different continents but in pop up towns in the desert). I miss you so much and can’t wait to see you next! I’m so happy for you and your strengthening relationship with yourself and thank you for inspiring me to strengthen my relationship with myself as well. I LOVE YOU!!

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