I woke up depressed. I went to bad last night thinking about all the protests and fights for justice going on in the states. I woke up this morning a little un-enthused to participate in the world. I was suppose to go for a walk with a guest who had offered to walk with me for exercise.
I couldn’t get out of bed though come 11 am. I just was weighed down with some things. I’ve told you this experience is coming to an end and like going through a tunnel, it’s darkest in the middle. Now that it’s almost over – I can see the light.
“JESUS H. TAP DANCING CHRIST, I HAVE SEEN THE LIGHT!” – Joliet Jake
So what did I do? I went to the gas station and bought chips and chocolate. I. CAN’T. EVEN. right now tell you – I am so sick with myself. I broke vegan. I didn’t know what to do . Before I even realized it I had the chocolate in my mouth. It’s like I completely forgot, completely forgot. And instead of stopping I shoved the rest of the chocolate in my mouth so as to hide the evidence. Knowing the whole time I’d feel so guilty about it I’d have to mention it in my blog.
Then I called my mom. And started crying. It was precious and priceless. Mom had just woken up and I just did the “hi. i’m ok…” She knew something was wrong then CUE THE WATERWORKS and mom starts the “Oh, honey. Oh. Honey. Ohhh, honey…” I felt SO sick. SO sick.
Through my tears I told her “Mom, I couldn’t stop. I just couldn’t stop eating. I shoved it all in my mouth. No self control.” I think my mom tried not to laugh, it was funny but also devastating.
Then she asked the most important question “did you at least enjoy it – was it worth it?” and I cried even harder “NO!” It was a kit-kat… I don’t even LOVE kit-kats, it was on sale and I mindlessly grabbed it, opened it and ate it.
I had planned on lying to you guys (sorry) and not facing or admitting my defeat. Alas, if there’s one thing I am – it is painfully honest. Even today at work I made a silly mistake (again) and a co-worker was trying to bag on me for it and I just said “Yeah, I did it.” Old me would have tried to explain why it was excusable, but this time it was just “Yes, I made the mistake” and forwent the “but I can fix it.” As soon as she left I fixed it and wondered why she hadn’t, it was quite simple. She chose to make it much more of a problem then it needed to be.
Then when one of the managers had to come down to assist me in fixing it he asked why I would do that, I said “I assumed…” he cut me off to say “Never assume.” And then I showed him how I fixed it. He shrugged and said “Alright no big deal.”
THEN the best part. Later on while the main manager was fighting with locals and got a rock thrown at his head which broke his skin and gave him a good gash I locked the keys for the cash drawers IN the cash drawers. It was perfect. Complete chaos struck with the managers and their safety and I fucked up again. I knew I literally just could. not. tell them. So I had to fix it on my own.
So I did.
By pulling the drawer beneath it out completely and crawling in as far as I could go to reach my hand up and around to pull out the removable cash drawer. The only way to get the drawer out was to flip it vertically which meant $400 came splashing all over the place… along with the keys.
Yes, it sounds easy, but all in all was about a 20 minute process as arms are not meant to bend that way. Also, I figured our how to evade the drawer locks. Ha. I did feel a little bad ass.
Today was honestly such a weird day though. I accidentally broke vegan earlier as well, which may have been what threw the loop in my track. A co-worker offered me some energy drink, and again, without thinking I just took a sip as it was nice and cold and refreshing. He didn’t know what he was doing and I wasn’t thinking. Energy drink has Taurine, which generally is derived from animals. So there was that. My eyes got large and I was like “Nooo” and he kept saying “what does it matter?” At first it felt like it hurt my feelings because “it was my challenge! of course it mattered!”
But it the light of everything else, one sip of taurine and one bag of chocolate does not mean I failed this challenge and is certainly not anywhere near the end of my world or THE world.
It’s all about perspective. I was thinking last night I wanted to change the world. I just have no idea how. I read on facebook heaps of various perspectives on the justice and injustice and convenience and inconveniences occurring in the states as a result of these hearings for folks murdered by the po-po.
I see that everyone has an opinion and therefore takes a side. One would assume that if you take a side you either take one side or the other. However, opinions are not black or white, they are more like a die, with 6 or more sides. Which is why there is not an easy way to please the majority. In order to create peace and order there will have to be compromises. We are stubborn in our views and have been led to believe that we are not only entitled to feel exactly the way we want and fuck everyone else, but if someone makes us feel differently they are taking our power from us.
I had this funny vision in my head, cartoon like almost, about how the root of some of our biggest problems in society come from money and power… both of which things are completely made up and given importance in ones mind, not as an actuality of nature.
We give power to the president, to congress, to the media, to the corporations that smother us in the idea of consumerism as king, to the shops selling size zero as ideal and to THE FUCKING CHIP COMPANY THAT SOLD ME CHIPS WITH COCHINEAL IN THEM.
It took me ages to figure out why the potato chips weren’t vegan. I mean, even Oreos are vegan (technically, except for the fact there could be cross traces of milk from the factory) but no actual milk, dairy or egg product is used (at least in Oz). Cochineal was the only ingredient I didn’t know, so I googled when I got home, with a handful of chips in my mouth…
So… 6 days left of the challenge… want to challenge yourself to read the labels on everything you eat for the next 6 days? Please report back!
3 more things:
1) I booked my tour to Uluru today. I feel so good about that, as I got it on special!
2) I’m going to buy myself a GoPro for my birthday and am starting a new meme – #YOTTO (You Only Turn Thrity Once) This will be my hashtag for the next year and all the cool adventures I’m going to do and video on my GoPro because I’m tired of confining to society and societal pressure and I’m going to live this year like a beast.
3) Despite waking up depressed, I also felt beautiful. So I took a pic and yes – I realize I’m only in my bra. #YOTTO
(See… see how well that works, feel free to # YOTTO it up!)