“Flop” (Day 29)

It’s funny that at the beginning of this challenge I assumed my blog would be full of vegan foods, the recipes I used, websites I’ve found, articles I’ve read, etc.

Instead it’s just been a mix of everything but. That’s all right with me as this is more fitting.

I had another interesting day at work. I am trying so hard to change and not be so hard on myself and then as soon as I feel like I make progress the floor beneath me collapses.

It’s not even a big deal. I went from my side of the building to the other to ask the manager to fix the remote control I was holding but before he saw it he asked why I came all the way over instead of calling. So I responded like I always do to him a little flirty and a little cheeky and said “I just wanted an excuse to see you again. And to avoid working.” He laughed and said “Oh yeah? Avoid working huh, that’s what Allen said about you yesterday.”

What?

This is the guy who quit and left yesterday. I asked him to tell me what he said and he explained that my co-worker went to the big boss and told him I’m lazy and don’t do any work and spend half the shift walking around aimlessly and every time he came to the front desk I was gone.

Yes, all of that was true YESTERDAY. I’m training the new guy and for anyone who has ever trained anyone you know that is is completely mentally exhausting. You have to be “ON” for hours at a time, explaining all the actions that have become habit, re-explaining, checking up on and basically holding hands with for the shift. So this is 7 hours a day for 4 days straight. It’s a lot. Yesterday I took advantage of there being 2 people at the desk and stepped away for a coffee, chat and dinner order.

I wouldn’t deny that but what did piss me off is the lying, backstabbing, petty behaviour coming from the 50 something year old man. On top of the fact that he told my boss this was my normal behaviour because of 1 day, but he also HAD to tell him on his last day of work.

Then  he has the nerve to come up to the desk and do this fucking long stupid farewell and literally says “oh the job wasn’t that bad, I actually didn’t hate it that much.” Again, coming from the only person here that complains more than I do. It was his cocky, arrogant, passive aggressive, lying, bullshit, fake character that I despise.

Last night, when I got home from work and after I did my challenge, wrote my blog, watched 90210, etc … I did my meditation. After my meditation I decided I would go into work today with more compassion and understanding and try to treat everyone sweetly as I’ve learned things about people recently – about their hidden challenges at home. Then I feel like I just get stabbed in the back.

But it’s okay as I’m writing this I realize how unhappy that bloke is. Honestly, he’s way worse off than I am because he doesn’t even have the balls to admit his own weaknesses. The reason why he quit is because he couldn’t hack it, it’s been 4 months of working here and he was still asking questions that the new guy already has down after 4 days with me.

His family life is in shambles, a daughter that doesn’t speak with him and the girlfriend in Thailand who called him and broke up with him. And he just laughed it off. Like, who does that? I can’t imagine it’s easy being 50 and trying to start over, get out of debt, be in a situation where the outback of South Australia is the best answer.

Guests still ask me why I chose this place to work, while laughing at the fact I chose to live in the desert, instead of on the beach, like the other backpackers. I tell them I came to this job after leaving my job on an island resort in the Whitsundays and it’s always the same reaction “whoa, what a change!”

It’s really not. As I see it – I still work on an island. It’s just a little hotter and dryer.

Like a magnet, I seem to easily befriend those who are a little broken inside. As I’ve said before: We’re all a little broken. That is sometimes the hardest thing to remember. My blood was boiling when I heard that this guy was talking behind my back, which was a desperate attempt to elevate himself for one passing moment. I often forget that people aren’t as honest and blunt as I am. It goes beyond pissing me off. It just makes me sad.

My reaction is also what drove me crazy too. I knew that I didn’t respect the opinion of this guy, but it made me feel like the managers he told agreed with him. It just spun me into this dizzying mind fuck of why I hate working here because no one ever says anything nice to me, or about me. It’s all fake. Even when I tried to have an outlet with another co-worker today about the new co-worker and how he’s draining me my co-worker said “well he can’t be more annoying than you are.”

And it was like – yep. I’m the worst. I’m horrible. Nobody likes me. I can’t do anything right.

I know this is not true, but that is what this place has made me feel like sometimes. Some days I feel like I’m connected and have made friends with these people. Then some days I feel like this is just a nightmare of a never ending loop of One Step Forward Three Steps Back… bitch. Not healthy.

This is kind of what my last relationship was like. One day up, one day down.

I was up this morning. I got a great night sleep after my meditation and woke up early enough to go to the store to get the stuff to buy cupcakes (which I vetoed making because no one gives a shit) and came back for breakfast and to weigh myself. I lost another 1.2 kilos which is 2.6 pounds. Which brings the 4 week total of weight loss to 16 pounds.

Another good thing about today was the chef called me right after I heard what was said about me and he wanted to talk about salads for the bbq Saturday. I told him I was upset at that moment and would call him back, and then didn’t because I was too upset to talk about salads.

So I went passed him room on the way home and knocked on his door and apologized and told him why I was upset. As always he says something like get over it, let it go. I told him I would love to, but I don’t work that easily. I have to process it and then it will pass. But at least it was nice that someone else is putting thought into this weekend.

Tomorrow I’m going to try to get up early and go grocery shopping for the weekend so I can start prep for the bbq. Also, I’m going to buy a bag of nacho cheese doritos and a pack of cigarettes tomorrow and yes, that will be my breakfast on Saturday. Yes, at this point I believe this weekend I will eat like 9 year old left home alone, and I’ve accepted that. I will see how I feel on Sunday, when I wake up 30 and still don’t know what the hell I’m doing.