(5) Still not a habit

I fell asleep at like 8 tonight. I woke up around 10, because the light was still on and my mom is really loud.

I hadn’t really eaten dinner, because I wasn’t really hungry after lunch. However, I felt my blood sugar was really low so I ate a handful of raw nuts that I had had in my gym bag, next to my bed and went downstairs for some grapes and a nectarine.

I really had a sweet tooth today, again. I wonder if this is going to keep up through the whole challenge or if it’s just this week (girl cravings) or if because my body isn’t getting processed sugar on the regular it comes out as a sweet tooth.

It doesn’t help that I literally have spent most of my free time today scrolling Pinterest. I can only scroll the “Health and Fitness” pins because inevitably, all the other categories shows amazing cupcakes and baked goods. Even the health and fitness ones have things I’m not allowed to eat during this challenge.

It’s a funny train of thought when I see a treat – even a healthy one, because I immediately justify it. “Oh well, I go to the gym now, I can have ONE treat.” Paleo doesn’t leave room for treats. I don’t belive in the bullshit baking paleo things either – where they use “paleo” products such as coconut or almond flour. One of the main points of paleo is to cut out processed foods. Flours and anything of the sort… are processed.

I came across this saying today (on pinterest):


It really resonated with me. It’s a long game, now, beyond even the 30 day challenge. I want to go the distance and explore a healthy lifestyle. This is something I’ve never really had, long term. When I was 18 I weighed 300 lbs at one point. I didn’t realize how big I was because I didn’t feel THAT big. Then I saw a picture of myself and just couldn’t believe it.

That’s sort of how it got recently. I didn’t feel so much larger than usual but as the pictures were rolling in, I saw myself as huge. I’m not a particularly photogenic person anyway, which makes looking at pictures of myself harder. The good news is that I feel like  I recently got this way, so hopefully it just melts away.

I didn’t go to the gym today either. In fact, I really didn’t do much today. I am a little depressed. It comes and goes. Being back here at my mom’s after such a big adventure and not having anything of my own, is really hard. Even little things like I got called down to dinner at a quarter to 6 tonight and wasn’t hungry. I didn’t even know what we were going to have.

I’m not used to that. For a week, visiting that’s fine, it’s always a welcome change eating at someone else’s house, or at least you know it’s only temporary. Living here though, it’s like “well I don’t feel like Chicken tonight again MOM!” and then I feel ungrateful. So I went to sit with them anyway a little bit later, but they had eaten unusually fast and were already on to dessert.

There was sliced pineapple on the table, which was nice, but then my mom’s bf started serving ice cream. Neither my mom or I could eat it (dairy – not paleo) so I just excused myself and went back upstairs. It wasn’t a big deal, but it was coffee ice cream – my favorite!

I also haven’t had coffee this whole week because I like my coffee sweet and creamy. I had a dream last night about a latte. I know that will be one of the first things I eat after this challenge, and it will make me sick. Haha. I know I should eat dairy anyway, it will have to be a long term good bye, but after the challenge every now and then we’ll try a little.

So maybe today was a bit of a low day. I didn’t get up at 6 to go to the gym. My mom did though, and I was jealous, but I just don’t work that early as a human. Tomorrow we’re going to a suicide awareness walk, the whole fam bam is going. It will be a little excersize, for a very good cause that is close to our hearts. It may rain the whole time though. It will be nice to be out and doing something. Perhaps that will spark some more energy from me to be super productive tomorrow.

We will see. Love you ❤

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