(6) less than a feeling

I started paleo on Monday. It’s been a full week. I notice very little difference so far. I’m kind of bummed. Haha I know I shouldn’t be. 

I’m really wanting to feel great and energized and refreshed. Perhaps I put too much pressure on this challenge. Hoping it would make me feel renewed… Overnight. 

I find food knowledge very discouraging these days. For instance today I bought tilapia for dinner. Was very excited as a white fish is generally good for you, blah blah. 

So I googled tilapia recipes for inspiration and up popped several articles about how “tilapia is as bad for you as bacon.” Which is double devastating since I had bacon today, as well. 

I buy the nitrate free kind, uncured, etc. I don’t feel light and fueled after these paleo meals. It’s sad because I did after my vegan challenge, but I believe in the science behind paleo so much more. 

Except for the ethical state of our food suppliers. It’s almost like no one can be trusted and they literally have just stopped giving a shit about us, so they just make meat. 

“Oh my meat is hand made. Hand designed.” GROSS. 
This morning we went to the Out of the Darkness annual suicide prevention walk. During the walk, as there were somber tones, I had time to think. 

I thought about how some things matter from one life transition to another… And somethings don’t. 

So money and the weight of my body won’t do anything for me in my next life. Why does it matter in this life then as it is just temporary and fleeting?

I kept thinking… Being overweight – or just generally unhappy, or less happy, holding myself back and struggling for money and stressing and worrying about it – what does that do? 

It makes me sad, small, frustrated, greedy, hungry, eager, petty and a bunch of other things. However when I have a good day, for what ever reason and I’m really feeling up I’m friendly, cheerful, kind, generous, grateful, thankful and caring. 

So then I was putting it together like: what if the reason we strive to be our best selves is so that we actually are our best selves. The trick is that it’s not just as simple as obtaining an exterior goal. 

There has to be the leg work involved too. Along with the general consciousness toward positive change. 

When I’m working out and eating right and my body is strong and firing on all cylinders I don’t feel petty and jealous and like I’m missing out on life. 

I’m embracing myself and therefore my own life blooms and because of that it grows further out. This is how we can change the world. 

So that’s the cycle I want to align myself with and now that’s my goal. Tonight I’m staying at my brother’s house because he’s away for work. He has quite a lot of things here I can’t eat during this challenge: chips, chocolate, ice cream, cheese, bread and milk. 

I’ve stared at it all tonight and said… Aloud… “No one will know.”

But what’s the point? A 30 day challenge is so do-able. And days like this are the reasons I do it. To keep me motivated and make me think about my actions. 

I’m proud of myself. For a lot. But for this commitment, even though at day 6 it’s wavering. I’m going to go back and read my vegan and bikram day 6 blog entries and see how they compare. 

I’m excited for tomorrow, in hopes my night sleeping on my brother’s couch binging on old movies and lemon water, will lead me to a happier, healthier and lighter tomorrow. 

Until then. With love… ❤