(13) Another Day

Well, I am certainly not editing nor changing last night’s blog. It’s hilarious. I was really drunk obviously, but it was so strange, because on the train ride home apparently I kept saying things then forgetting I had said them and said them again 10 minutes later. I felt that my sober brother wanted to kill me, at several points.

Today I broke paleo again. However, I’m okay with it because: food. I had brown rice and black beans for lunch. I know, I mean it’s better than a dozen donuts, but it’s still not in the food plan rules. I was not feeling great this morning and then I had a severe allergy attack all day, so I just didn’t want to walk to the store (about 20 minutes).

I put a can of tuna in with the rice and beans and felt that it was still a healthy alternative. Then for dinner, there was nothing really in the house and again, I didn’t want to go to the store, so instead I treated myself to a salad from the diner across the street. I had never eaten there before so I just called for a take away order and asked for a chicken salad.

It worked out, it was a nice grilled chicken breast over heaps of spinach with tomato and avocado. It may not have been worth $11, but it was because I really wanted to go to the Mexican restaurant across the street and eat sopes. The salad was the best choice. I was thinking about my trainer, too. I don’t lie, I don’t see the point. So when I see him on Tuesday and he asks me what have I been eating I will fully disclose my meals.

Same thing last night, I had the choice to stuff my face with lasagna and cookies, but instead had one slice of lasagna and 1 cookie and 2 scoops of kale salad. Which, is definitely why I was three sheets to the wind, it was not enough food. Another reason I was okay to eat the rice today. I feel like I’m never satisfied with the food.

I really liked being vegan because I felt full, but not disgusting. Eating so much meat and veg on paleo I constantly just still feel disgusting. I feel like I felt before the challenge. I’m not happy about that. I really wanted to feel great and be inspired.

In part, I believe I have an unhealthy relationship with food. I think it’s been a crutch, and a constant for such a long part of my life, it’s almost like a friend. I come home and at night, when I’m having “me” time, watching TV or lounging around, I want to snack – and generally on junk food.

My trainer said to eat popcorn. Which isn’t paleo, but that might be a good option while I ween of snacking. The other day I did have a bunch of sweet, red grapes, while I was watching a movie. It was great because they were so sweet and I like that you can kind of pop them. It seems like snacking is an addiction like smoking, and very oral oriented.

When I go back to my mom’s I won’t be snacking because they don’t really have snack food and because I don’t watch the television there. I hang out in my room and watch a movie in bed or something, which I can do with out eating.

I’m eager to see changes in my body. This is a dangerous road, because I feel like I’m so desperate to see a change, that it’s not happening fast enough and that’s how I get frustrated. I want to be patient and know as long as I’m working towards health, it will come. I still get winded walking up stairs though. My chest is heavy, it feels almost like I’ve been smoking more even tho I’ve had one (drunken) puff of a cigarette in 2 weeks.

I’m glad that this challenge is a hot, sticky mess. It’s just a way to figure out what I need and want. I’m excited for when it is completed because then I will have to put into place a long term eating plan as I’ve discovered paleo just will not work for me long term. I really felt good when I was eating little to no meat, so I need to incorporate that back into my routine.

I will do more research and figure out what would be a great combination with going to the gym.

Ok, my loves… tomorrow. ❤

Dinner for One
Dinner for One

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