(22) frustration

as far as attitudes go, today was a good lesson in learning to adapt to them. My mom was in a horrible mood today. She came to my room and asked if I wanted to run errands with her and then go to the gym after. I said sure and quickly packed my gym bag – even though I had planned on having it be a rest day. I wanted to support her and encourage her to go. 

As we are running the errands she’s getting snippier and snippier towards me, as well as the staff at various stores. So, I tell her this and she gets even madder and says “if you were in this kind of mood you would kill me if I said anything to you.”

Not entirely true. Mostly because when I am in a bad mood I do several things. 1) I say “I’m in a bad mood.” Which seems very simple and it is because it sets the tone. Then if I do snap or give attitude it’s much easier and quicker for me to apologize. It’s not fair to take your bad mood out on someone else, but we all do, especially family. 2) I leave. My family always teased me when I was younger for walking away from arguments or whatever but it’s the smartest thing for me to do. When I am in a bad mood, or feeling attacked, I can reach down really low and say some really nasty things. It’s best if I leave myself alone to breathe out the anger and return to rational honking without someone pushing me to do so. 

So when we got to the third store and she said something about how she lost her bag I said “what when did you lose your bag?” And she flipped out. “If I knew when I lost my bag I could find it hen couldn’t i???” Okayyyyy….

I prodded more, I was trying to help. My mom loses things all the time but she’s so dramatic she acts like everything is gone forever when really it’s in the den, or in her craft room. But she decided to yell at me in LL Bean and tell me to stop talking to her. So I walked away, and out and stood by the car waiting.

While I waited I checked Facebook, and that only added fuel to my fire as some dipshit kid I used to work with was playing devils advocate on something I posted. 

He always tries to be clever but really what he does is suppress other people’s opinions and right to express them. I really wanted to say some mean and nasty things to him. 

But I didn’t. 

I unfriended him instead. He is one of those types of people that bother me the most. He is wound so tight into his religious, right wing generation passing “we are right and everyone else’s wrong” tornado that you can’t reason with him. Those are the worst people. The ones who are so set in their ways they just simply will not let others think or feel dofferently, and respect the fact that they are not only entitled to, but encouraged as well. That’s what makes our human-ness colorful, the fact we are not all the same. 

So thn my mom came out and explained when she said stop talking to me she meant stop asking questions. Whatever. Leaving was definitely the right thing to do. Then, of course she said she didn’t want to go to the gym. 

We drove home and I went to my room and I debated going to the gym. It was about 8pm. We left right before dinner so I hadn’t eaten and was grumpy now because of all things considered. 

I ended up not going to the gym and feeling guilt about it even though a few hours before I wasn’t even planning on going at all. 

I’m starting to get depressed because it’s very hard to be 30 and living with my mom and her boyfriend, in her boyfriends house, in a suburb, without a car, job or any money to feel independent. I’ve been on my own for over 12 years and now I’m back as a dependent. 

I know there’s a good lesson on here, I just haven’t mastered it yet. I’m excited though because I know u am on the verge of the next great part of my life. I hope that I can integrate more compassion and understanding. Because maybe if I do, others will too and we can do better as a species.