(24) did some things

Woke up his morning and did some things. 

Watched some TV then I did some things. 

I ate brunch before I did some things. 

Took a nap after doing some things. 

Woke up and the did some things. 

Ate dinner and went to do some things. Those things were running errands for my brother. Had to go to trader joes and target. 

He gave me his credit card, and a list. That’s where he went wrong. He should have never given me his card. 

I walked aimlessly though the aisles of target, getting more and more depressed the further I walked into the depths of empty materialism. Wishing I had the money to buy this, or my own space so I could buy that. I realized how much I really didn’t fucking care about all that crap. 

I got what my brother asked for and was looking for a new pair of gym pants for me.  I scoured the clearance rack, but nothing. So I was going to have to buy something full price. 

I ended up picking out one pair of pants and two new tops (that were discounted) that are for the gym. 

I definitely left target feeling empty. All the junk food I passed as I walked through the cheap boxes and containers of food that’s not real looking for something I could eat. Wishing I could but a boxes cake mix and make it so that I could eat the whole thing. 

Why? Why was everything so appealing all of a sudden inside this big structured box that was invented to make me buy Hingis I don’t need. 

I had a handful of clothes hanging over my arm that I was ready to buy. I put it all back save the pants and tanks I mentioned. It wasn’t worth it. Having a new green shirt isn’t going to make me a new green person. 

I bought a tootsie roll, one of hose long ones. I ate it in the car before I started to drive home. Not only did it almost immediately make me sick but I wasn’t enjoying it. I was chewing without purpose. I wasn’t tasting or experiencing the treat, I was punishing myself. 

So then I felt like shit, not only physically but mentally too. I had to go drop the groceries odd at my brothers house then run back home to get my gym gear so I could go work off the tootsie roll. 

As I got out of the car at home, I realized that when the doors locked behind me and the lights flashed, that I had left the keys in the car. 

What. A. Fuck. 

I felt like I sabotaged mysel. I mean I haven’t owned a car in almost 10 years but when I did own a car I don’t think I ever locked my keys in them. I’ve been living on my own for 12 years and locked myself out of my apartment 3 times – within 2 weeks of each other. It was a phase. 

I felt defeated by the end of the night. So here I am, laying in bed, barely able to keep my eyes open, binging on more TV.