I can not believe it’s been a year and a half since I’ve written a blog. Not only that, but it has been a year and a half since I’ve written at all. There are several reason for this, however I believe the main reasons are this strange depression and what was my inability to be grateful for my current place on the journey.
A year and a half ago I returned to the US, after almost 2 years abroad. I was penniless and plan-less. My options were limited, I chose to stay with my mom and her boyfriend in their home in the state of New York. I got a job in hopes of leaving again on some travels, or moving back to Chicago, where the majority of my friends live and where I spent the longest amount of time as an adult and feel most settled there.
Needless to say, I am still here in the North East, currently living in Connecticut, working at the same job, only now as a manager. The pay is not great, however it affords me to live on my own, have a car, eat and go to the gym. That’s pretty much all I can afford, which is okay because as of late that’s really all I do.
Last August I reached a turning point in my life. I was dating a guy in the dead of summer and one night, he collapsed. It threw a lot of things in perspective for me – just the fact that I had been living such a grossly unhealthy lifestyle. I was depressed – and eating my way through it. I had ballooned up and was unrecognizable.
I was unhappy with a lot of things, I had been for a big chunk of my life. I strongly believe that MY eating issues and chronic overweight issues have always been tied to emotions and those that I was not processing. I believe in the metaphysical aspect of life, that everything is connected and that we manifest our thoughts. Sometimes those manifestations are in the form of physical ailments – fat being one of them. Typically fat is a sign of protection for the body. I have spent the greater part of my adult hood trying to figure out what I feel I need protection from. However, it’s still unclear what it exactly it is I am protecting myself from, so I’m taking a different approach.
So, last July after coming to terms with my mortality and my bloated, donut filled body, I reached out to my trainer, G. We started working out, 4 times a week, in the parks around town. It was the hardest, most brutal work outs of my life. I was constantly in a state of “I can’t do this!” I would be sick to my stomach before our sessions, afraid of what I would be asked to do and worried about whether or not I would be able to.
G immediately started the most important part of my training: Getting the words “I can’t” out of my vocabulary. This seems like such a typical, arbitrary thing perhaps, but I’m telling you it makes all difference.
I’ve been on this fitness journey for almost 10 months and I have made huge changes. I think honestly the biggest changes I’ve made have been internal and not the external ones.
My body has changed tremendously – I’ve lost weight, I’ve built an incredible foundation of muscle, my lungs are healthier and I am able to do things I’ve never done before.
The most important part of my success though has been my mental changes. I’ve really begun to dig deep to get to the root cause of my issues and have begun to heal the wounded parts of my emotional ego.
I have a deeper, more genuine appreciation for this current stop in my journey. It is a stop, yet I am still in motion. This is a time to pause and reflect and get in touch with a deeper side of myself as well as with life. I am looking to connect with a side that has been lost, or maybe even non-existent.
After all this time here, I am barely beginning to make friends and I think that’s a huge part of a wholesome life. Luckily, I have amazing friends, near and far, to help get me through the days. This summer I am hoping to reach out to life and hoping it reaches me back.
I am also going to blog more.
Another one of the reasons I was pulled back into the fitness lifestyle was because my trainer was posting videos and check ins with his clients every single day. I was annoyed at first, thinking “ugh, I’ll get back to the gym some day.” Until finally I called him to set up a session.
I want to share my experience, both the good and the bad. The victories and the defeats. Believe me, there are plenty of both.
IG: DCNMC – If you want the photo version
2 thoughts on “And so it begins, again… still.”
Welcome back. We’ve been saving your seat.
So happy for you Duff!!!!❤️❤️❤️