Wholeo and not so beyond. (Day 2)

I’m having a hard time finding any motivation or inspiration to write and I’m not sure if it’s because I spent all day making art with the sliding glass door open which turned my apartment into an 80 degree sauna for 7 hours.

I’m not sure if it’s because the state of the country and of the world is just existing under this gray cloud looming just over head, teasing of doom.

Perhaps it’s just because my challenge this year is a little one dimensional. I’ve done a healthy eating challenge before and was physically desperate for this one now, so it feels more like following doctors orders than really stepping out of my comfort zone. Although emotionally eating snack cakes and take out is definitely my comfort zone and honey we are not in Kansas anymore.

It could just be that today I don’t have much to say. Or I waited too long in the day to write and now I am at that bewitching hour where my thoughts turn from positive ones with rosy to neutral overtones to pessimistic and existential ones with dark overlays.

I’ve been hyper aware of the energy suck that is tone deaf people with opinions who champion them as fact. The exhaustion infiltrates my system seeing people shocked and outraged that other people also have opinions – and they are different from their own.

I have been depleted and disenchanted by friends and colleagues who talk or post incessantly about themselves and the moment the attention turns to someone else they detach.

My excitement for life has been forcibly dialed down because what’s the point. I see horrible things everywhere: injustice, suffering and liberty threatened.

The last part was kind of a joke, because I was going to just leave it at injustice but then thought about The Three Amigos and thought they had some pretty good things to say… Are you the singing bush?

It is however a true statement that there are a lot of unfavorable things happening around us. Sometimes I feel helpless and that is a hard spot to be in. The pandemic has not created this feeling for anyone, but it certainly has exacerbated it for a lot of us.

They say we are a solution and goal based society. We need to see outcome and defined terms. Maybe that is why I’m having a hard time writing lately… The outcome is merely just having done it, that’s it. Sort of like the art I do. I’m not very good at it yet and every time I do a new piece it never turns out as I expect or hope.

Ultimately I had a good day. I woke up early but was so, so tired. My body was tired my brain was tired, I just couldn’t get up – and thank goodness – I didn’t have to. I spent almost three hours in bed after waking, just scrolling though the internet and what not.

Finally when I got up, I was actually excited to make breakfast. I had bacon and eggs. I don’t remember the last time I cooked bacon and it’s possible that I haven’t since I’ve lived in Texas (almost 6 months). Then I burnt the bacon. Well, didn’t burn it but it was crispy and I don’t like crispy bacon. I ate it anyways with my eggs, I don’t like eggs either, but hey, what can you do. I did not receive any brain stimulation from this food. It was very matter of fact :

Ma’am you need some sustenance, here you are.

Thank you, kind Ma’am, I have ingested said sustenance and am ready to start my day.

After breakfast I adjurned to the couch and finished watching a movie I started a week or two ago. Then I got up and cleaned up a little. Then I sat down and watched some music vidoes. Then I got up and cleaned a little more. Then I watched some art videos. Then I made a snack. Then I started making art.

It was great and very relaxing. The hardest part really was realizing my coffee was going to be just coffee and coconut milk. I forgot how much I love sweetened coffee. I made a latte with my ninja coffee bar and didn’t hate the bitter drink.

Giving up the sweets is so important. It is a poison and an addiction and I am utterly and totally powerless against it. I’m hoping to keep off sugar after the challenge, but I always say that and it allways ends up back in my life.

I wonder how one could stay on this healthy of a path for the rest of their lives? Right now it feels easy, but I don’t think I’ve gotten to the detox phase yet. (She says as she laughs to herself knowing what an awful and brutal experience is lurking just around the corner)

I was telling someone that the first time I did paleo I felt like that didn’t hit until the 2 week mark. That’s when I started going a little crazy, wanting to pull my hair out, being unable to sleep and all the fun things that happen when you stop feeding yourself chemicals.

Maybe that’s why I haven’t got too much to say… maybe I’m just prepping for the shit storm that’s about to hit. Dammit.