Last night I packed a bag of clothes so that I could go after work to walk around this lake that I found a week or two ago. It’s very beautiful and serene and I’ve been wanting to walk alongside.
This morning when I left for work, I forgot to take the bag of clothes with me. This afternoon at lunch as I was driving around aimlessly because I realized I had no where to spend my hour I decided to run home and grab the bag.
This was a major step.
So, after work, I changed into my stretchy pants and headed out for the lake. So I had never driven around the whole lake and didn’t know how big it was exactly. I assumed it was anywhere from 2-5 miles around. It was 81 degrees and the sun was unforgiving.
As I started on the paved trail, one foot in front of the other, I quickly realized I’m not as light and agile as I once was. I knew it was gonna be a long walk mentally but even more daunting was there was going to be a point along the way where I was the furthest distance from my car. That was scary.
I got about a quarter of the way down the trail and knew my steam was running out. I had slowed to such a pace that elderly couples out for a stroll were passing me. I literally did not care.
To me, today was not about anything other than just having started. That was enough, everything else was a bonus. I absolutely got to the furthest distance from my car and I absolutely was exhausted. However, had I turned back to go the route I just came from, knowing exactly how far I’d already gone, I would be walking directly into the sun and the thought of that made me keep on walking ahead.
Everytime I thought it was almost over I’d see another stretch of trail. I knew not much time had passed but physically I was dying. My fingers swelled up from dryness and dehydration and I felt every pound on my body as my feet rhythmically pounded against the ground.
Finally, I saw my car up around the bend. I knew the trail was not 5 miles long, but a mere 3. I knew that I could finish and that getting to my car would make me the happiest person alive.
As I reached my little beauty I couldn’t help but fantasize about blasting the AC and guzzling the cold water I left in the cupholder. I did some stretches before getting into my car. Then immediately took my shoes off and put on some flip flops.
I felt so good, so tired, so weak yet so strong. I rolled the windows down and drove home.
I kept the windows down the whole time because the breeze was better than the AC. Even when I got home I kept my AC off and let my apartment sit in 75 degrees.
I had a snack – a hard-boiled egg and some watermelon. I drank more water and I rested on the couch.
I haven’t decided if I’m gonna walk tomorrow. Today was a great success. I will definitely walk at least one more time this week. 3 miles isn’t a crazy amount, it’s actually a very comfortable number. The issue was how daunting the unknown was and literally not knowing how my body would react but trying anyway.
I thought about the time when I lived in LA and there was this screenwriting store that I wanted to go visit. They sold all of the books and scripts and accessories any budding screenwriter would need. As a budding screenwriter, I was dying to go pick out encouraging books, popular movie scripts to learn from and overpriced brads to bind the screenplay I had yet to write.
I drove past that store 3 times, on different occasions, but kept driving because I didn’t have the courage to go in. I was too afraid for some reason to go into a store. I can’t believe I was THAT insecure however I still deal with feelings like that.
There will be something I want to do but I’ll chicken out and not do it, or at least not at first. Sometimes it takes me a few times to do it. Sometimes the intention has to be there for a while until I work up the courage. But I always work up the courage.
I am proud to say there are not many things in my life that I wish I had done but didn’t. There are very few in fact. One of them though is “start earlier.” I really wish I had started my career earlier, started training to be a better person earlier, started getting skinnier earlier… So that I wouldn’t be here now.
Sometimes it’s not about starting earlier. Just because you wished to have started earlier doesn’t mean you can’t start now. I’ve started a healthy lifestyle/diet/weight loss/challenge so many times before. Why do I always fall off? Why do I always fall back into the same routine, the same cycle, the same shame?
What if from 5 years from now we’re sitting in the exact same spot in our lives – geographically, mentally, physically, spiritually, emotionally? Would we be okay with that? I certainly would not.
Wouldn’t you want 5 year into the future you to be thankful that Today You made changes, took strides, played the long game?
What does 5 years into the future look like for you?
How does it feel? Where are you? What’s different? What’s the same?
Take some time to really picture your life that’s ahead. Before you map a road to get there, you need to have a solid visual of where you are going. It can be abstract as far as specifics of course but it must be clear as to what the target is.
Adventures of the untoward 
You are lucky, I can and do write some crazy-as-fuck comments. Maybe I will later in the challenge. Anyway, I’ve been thinking a lot about some of this, and about craving. You crave, say, some crack or sex or French Fries or key lime pie. You put your craving on hold a little as you go through the rituals of obtaining said items.
Now, a kind of Zen way to think about craving is to crave the time AFTER you’ve done the dirty deeds, which in reality is all of eternity. Key lime pie and sex and crack are all kind of similar in that once they’re done, they’re done, and more right then isn’t always an option (even studs have their limitations), and have you ever had TOO MUCH sex or intoxicants or pie?