Day 8: Wholeos before Broleos

I fell asleep on the couch last night. It was around 10 pm. When I woke up at midnight and shuffled into my bed I was thinking I’ll write the blog when I get there… I didn’t. I was out like a light.

Yesterday was a stressful day at work. It was stressful and busy from the time I got there to the minute I left. I didn’t have time to take a lunch break. It’s tough being that stressed at work because I know that I’m overwhelmed and my plate is too full. My boss doesn’t, I feel like she sees it as a “you need to be able to get this all done.”

When she offers a solution it’s always the same thing, just tells me to stop answering phone calls. The problem is that I still get pulled into almost every phone call because they’re related to me in some way.

It’s a defeating feeling. It’s like I have to look at this and say I can’t do it. The job itself is not very hard at all, I’ve done it before, but it’s a small company and I’m basically covering 3 positions.

I get resentful. I was supposed to get a pay raise after 90 days but because of coronavirus and the uncertainty we haven’t had that meeting yet. So when I’m slammed with work and overwhelmed I get mad at how much I do with little to no appreciation.

I’ve voiced various concerns to my manager and the owner. I’ve gotten attitude from other employees for just doing my job because they too are stressed. I’ve tried to explain how I feel.

The owner has zero interest in how I feel. The manager fake cares because she’s “doesn’t want to deal with it.” They are horrible managers. They’re older and from a different generation.

These days workers can go almost anywhere and be treated like crap, feel disposable and not appreciated or like their contribution matters. So I get that bosses everywhere don’t feel the need to elevate themselves to be better, more effective, more understanding leaders.

What is stupid though is by not doing that productivity is lower and turnover is higher. I also get that not a lot of people are wired to be good managers, and just think getting the title means “do what I say” instead of them earning the title and saying “how can I be better.”

I do understand complacency, but I don’t understand unwillingness. I know change is hard, very very hard. I know that people have told me they’d love to do a challenge but won’t participate because it’s too hard for them. So instead of trying with the potential of failing or succeeding, they don’t try at all.

They don’t change, they don’t grow, they don’t challenge themselves. I get it it, it’s a lot easier that way. The want to change has to be greater than the want to stay the same.

So anyway, when I left work yesterday all I wanted to do was drown my sorrows in food. There were about 30 things I could think of eating. I had to go to the Post Office to pick up a package. When I got there there was a woman screaming at the postman because she wanted him to price out an envelope that was still empty. She was literally screaming and everyone in line was clearly agitated.

Finally I left and went to Target. A guy pulled up in front of the only empty parking space with no turn signal on or any indication of what he was doing. I motioned are you going to park there because I want to and he just stared at me. So I zoomed out of the parking lot, furious.

I went to In-n-out and got a burger, protein style, no dairy, add pickles. It definitely did not feel healthy and depending on what kind of oil they use to cook the meat could or could not be Paleo/whole 30. I don’t care. That was the best I could do.

I ate the lettuce wrapped burger in the parking lot and decided to go to Michael’s. I didn’t need anything specifically but was avoiding going home or grocery shopping at this point.

I bought some stuff for art projects this weekend. As I was leaving I was still a little angry and a little hungry. There was candy and soda in the queue and I was so tempted.

Back in my car I realized I was still ready to eat my feelings. Knowing that a) I could just still be hungry because a bunless burger is not really that filling or b) if I’m used to eating my emotions and my emotions are out of control right now I either need to get a grip or feed my emotions something helpful.

So I went to ANOTHER fast food place. A taco place – the biggest perk of living in Texas – a drive through taqueria. I got two steak tacos and a side of guac. I ate the steak and the guac and left the tortillas.

Not only was I then full but I was also satisfied. My temperament almost immediately changed as I headed back to Target. Again, you never know what’s in food when you eat out so I wasn’t sure if I was completely compliant, however given the circumstances I was happy with my choices.

Walking into Target, on the grocery side, I was met with boxes of cupcakes and sweet treats. Had I gone in the first time, I likey would have caved into temptation. My mind wasn’t strong enough the hour or so before.

I got what I needed and left. I went straight home. I knew I wasn’t mentally ready to go grocery shopping for the next week. When I got home I watched art tutorials on you tube and fell asleep on my couch. It was a tough day.