Day 10: Wholeo Lot Of Shaking Going On

So in a surprise twist, when I woke up this morning the first thing that I wanted to do was go for my walk. So I did…after breakfast. I made a few eggs, some bacon and some potato. As I was cracking the eggs into the pan I thought “hmm I really shouldn’t be eating this much before the walk.” I was right.

I managed to get out around 11 ish and it was still low 70’s. However as I was walking it definitely warmed up, also being in the sun for long parts of the walk and having a full stomach didn’t help. I realized soon I was struggling. Again, my legs felt heavy, every step was a chore.

Near the end of the walk I got emotional thinking about how difficult a 3 mile and mostly flat walk is for me right now. I don’t think I’ve ever been able to run 3 miles, but I certainly would be able to walk it and not feel like death.

It’s good motivation. When I was done with my walk I was excited to go home because I was going to work on art. Normally I’d want to stop and grab something to eat, an iced coffee, run to some store to pick up some random thing.

I was content and ready to be in the shade, to be honest. When I got home I lounged around for a bit, had my own iced coffee and started some art. It’s a larger piece I started working on which will probably take me 2-3 weeks to complete as the first round, or layer does not look anything like I wanted it too.

It’s a beach scene made with epoxy and sand. As I rubbed the sand across the board it was very soothing and calming. It was a slow process and I was in the moment and aware of how much I loved doing this piece. Art has definitely been my savior through the breakup and the move and now the stress of coronavirus/work/getting ready to start school.

I’m starting at a community college in August and because of CV the process has been slow and agonizing as it’s a series of emails and questions being answered.

The online portal for this school system does not make a lot of logical sense. Then, the mandatory assessment is now being proctored online, so after weeks trying to get my voucher for that, today was the day. I did my math section and failed – as expected. I got a 339/350 passing so I have to take a class that is literally called a refresher course and goes over Algebra. I literally could not remember a thing. I’m happy to enroll in the refresher, it would be nice to know math.

In addition, you sign in with your webcam and have your mic on, so it feels like someone whom you can’t see is staring at you the whole time. It was awkward. My English one is next weekend, which is a relief because I thought they were both today and the math one took an hour.

After the test I made dinner. Pork, potatoes, green beans and mushrooms. It was really good and I made two portions so that will be my lunch tomorrow as well.

I spent the rest of the night doing my budget through August. I am normally really anal attentive about my budget because I hate being broke, but I haven’t been paying as close attention. With bills, debt, school, books and trying to buy a new computer for school it looks like I’m gonna have to start getting very creative on ways to eat healthy on a shoestring. Maybe that will be my next blog set. #studentlife

Speaking of miracles, my computer is working intermittently. I needed it for the test today and it only froze once. Luckily, it was not a timed test.

Today was a really good day. I have a twinge of sadness about going to work tomorrow, but it is what it is. On my walk, at this really beautiful part, I was struggling. The sun was beating down on me and I just was begging with the universe to get me to my car as quickly as possible since I was moving at a snails pace.

I saw a woman walking towards me, mid 50s and with some extra weight on her and it got me thinking about me in 20 years. I know I’ve referenced me in 5 years a lot, but seeing her was really helpful. She seemed like she had life in her, vibrant and relatively athletic. I thought about how I was so glad I was 35 and doing this and not 55. I thought about when I’m 55, I will have been a counselor/therapist for 10-15 years. That made me feel hopeful. When I go to work tomorrow and leave feeling depressed and empty at least I know it’s temporary.

As I go through this crazy summer at my job, probably stressed and overwhelmed the whole time I will be grateful that that’s what is paying my bills and for me to go to school so I can finally do something I love. Maybe even start my own business and be my own boss. #thedream

Determination and discipline is what is going to get me through the next few months and then the 2 years of community college and then the 2 years of university and then the 2 years of getting my masters. 6 years is a lot to plan in a day. That’s why I’m just focusing on this summer… and even that is one day at a time.