Day 20: 2/3rds of the way homeo.

When I got home from our walk I was still full of some kind of energy. I wasn’t tired, or exhausted, my body was a little tight and my legs, calves and heels felt tight during the walk but other than that, I really felt great. This walk is like a cleanse, a rebirth at the end of the day. It is the curtain that gets pulled between work and real life and most of the time helps to compartmentalize my job in a little, tiny insignificant box – where it belongs.

I jumped into the shower straight away. I had to wash my hair so I wanted to get that over with as soon as possible. When that ordeal was over, I laid on the couch for a little bit and turned the TV on. I immediately did not like what was on, so I found something else. I scrolled reddit finally (work was too busy again for such activities) and the background movie was too heavy and unsettling so I picked something new. The next thing I picked, too annoying and then the next thing was too. The last two were shows I love and have seen, I was just looking for background noise.

I realized it felt like there were competing vibes. Any dialog just felt aggressive and cumbersome. Perhaps even a dose of sensory overload, it was just too much. So I put on some music.

I haven’t listened to music as often as I have this past week in I don’t know how many years. Not just music in general, because I tend to listen to the same stuff, but I’ve been trying to explore new things and find new artists.

I know so many people who feel music is life. I am not one of those people. I do not connect with music anywhere near that level. I just like soothing melodies and non-offensive lyrics. It’s true and I’ve always been like this. I’ve always hated rap because it was too aggressive. It gives me anxiety.

Oldies, rock and roll, cool new music that just strikes my ear fancy however just provide a soothing feeling. I think it’s been helping me decompress because it doesn’t require attention. My apartment is still clean and I love sitting and listening to music and either watching the music videos, thinking or scrolling my phone.

It got me thinking about how difficult a No Movie/TV 30 day challenge would be for me. I have always sought solace by way of major motion pictures. It would be like I was in a certain mood, or wanted to be in a certain movie and think I need a movie like x to watch. The problem after watching most movies, they start to run out.

I don’t mind rewatching a movie and do it frequently, but there’s a very unique feeling – even a high – from watching a good movie for the first time. When that feeling isn’t met, it’s like a little pocket of emptiness. Music has sort of been doing that for me though, like I have scenes in my head of where the song would best be suited for and I see them play out.

I think part of it is I have put off writing for so long and need to seriously get back to it, and write those scenes. The scenes I see are emotions and those moments in life that we all recognize. Those are the riches of life for they are the cherished memories or hopes we carry deep in our hearts.

When a good song comes on and you’re driving and you’re pumped and you start dancing in your seat you are safely within the restrictions of your seat belt yet you are free to be pulled up on stage by your favorite musician and help belt this tune. Or, maybe you are at a bar and the jukebox picks your jam and you get pushed onto the dance floor and put all the single ladies to shame.

I often wondered if people had these same thoughts. I wondered if it was the moment of attention we were seeking, that moment of glory, of feeling special. Then I wondered if it was the connection to creating something. Singing and dancing is art and I wonder if we all also seek expression.

With expression, next comes validation. You can say anything you want out loud, right now – go ahead and do it. Say something out loud.

Are you alone, like me? No one heard it. Did I even say it?

What if you’re at a coffee shop and just exclaimed “I hate my job!” (seems like an apropos subject of late) and everyone just stares at you. Ok, you expressed yourself, good job, that feels good, right? What if you said it and the guy at the table next to you leaned over and replied “me too, sister.” That’s validation. That’s a whole’notha’level.

I think with validation comes connection. I have often believed connection is one of the meanings of life. It is something we all seek. It’s something that can’t be man-made, in a factory/manufacturing type of way. Connection is powerful, it is the epitome of what we seek and the essence of humankind.

I didn’t know what this blog was going to be about when I started writing, and even I know I veered way off road, yet you stayed with me. Thank you. I feel like we connected.

Here are some questions I’d like you to answer:

Are you creative? What is your creative outlet? If you are not creative, or not actively creative – do you have a desire to be? What do you seek?

Do you feel you get to express yourself regularly? Are you validated?

How do you feel when you go to sleep at night? How do you feel when you wake up in the morning?

Answer my questions, if you’re brave – do it in the comments. I’m curious.

Thanks for listening.