Day 2. Progress.

I’m having trouble fitting everything into one day. Like, work is really getting in the way of my life. I am adjusting back to normal hours, 9-6 are just the worst human hours. I’ve woken up at 6:15 the past two mornings. Today though, I didn’t go to the gym.

It was funny when I woke up for real – just after 8 – I said to myself “well my tummy hurts. I have such a bad head ache. I can go after work…” until I just abruptly stopped and said to myself JESUS FUCKING CHRIST STOP MAKING EXCUSES JUST SAY YOU DIDN’T WANT TO GO AND GET ON WITH IT.

And honestly, that feels like progress.

I didn’t want to go this morning. For a number of reasons but I just feel like I have no time. I haven’t even completed a full week at the new job and I just don’t have time. I want to finish organizing my apartment, make art, write, watch tv, sketch, do yoga, browse Reddit… all of it and it’s not happening.

So today, after work, I laid on my bed for approximately 22 minutes and then decided to go for a walk around the 3 mile lake. I started my walk at 6:48pm and when I got back to my car at 7:48pm, it was dusk. Daylight was gone, and it was nighttime. I still had to cook dinner, eat, shower, write a blog and have time to unwind. Well, here we are at 9:52 and I’ve been in bed for about 15 minutes. I’m spending my “free time” writing this blog, because when I am finished with this I’m going to turn off screens.

The goal is to be in bed by 10 and asleep by 11, or at least lights out at 11. That still only gives me 7 hours of sleep. Perhaps I am still adjusting to the schedule, perhaps I need to lighten my schedule. It just made me think how so many of us really sacrifice our time, our lives – for work.

It just feels like something is wrong, something is off. This isn’t how it’s suppose to go. Also I feel like we used to get paid for our lunch breaks. Am I imagining that? I feel like I used to work 8 hours a day and a lunch break was included. I’m not sure, I was young and potentially still a minor, so it might have just been good ol-fashioned exploitation and maybe I wasn’t even offered a lunch. I can’t remember.

I had posted on social media before starting this job about my new schedule and how I wanted to wake up at 6 to get gym time in and how I wanted to do x, y and z in a day and someone said “ugh, typical, just scheduling your life away.” This was a stranger. I’ve been thinking about that too because I have never been a person who naturally could fall into a routine, or even accomplish all I ever wanted to in a day.

My parents were separated and each of their houses were like two different worlds. Mom’s house was always a step behind. She could never get a schedule or routine for cleaning, chores, dinner, dishes, free time, homework, etc. She had to work hard for everything. Everything seemed like it was a task, a struggle, an obstacle or something that made it just seem tougher.

Dad’s house was the complete opposite. He was crazy, but in a different way. He was so anal and OCD that my brother and I WEREN’T ALLOWED TO DO THE DISHES because we didn’t do them right. I mean from age 10 to the day he died, we were not allowed to do the dishes in his house, ever. He would get so mad.

I feel bad thinking about this because it seems so much harsher when I look back and share. Especially since my mom reads my blog. However, Dad’s house was the fun one and she knew that. He let us watch TV and movies and he had so much better snacks. Like pudding and fruit roll ups. Mom had natural peanut butter, challah bread and apricot jam. I wish you could see me laughing right now and how funny it is, because it’s cute and it’s one of those things that is like we didn’t go with out food in any way, I was just super ungrateful for the food my mom bought.

To be honest, I wouldn’t even eat that combination of pb&j now. I’m curious as to why she would buy those things or that kind of food for kids – well it was for her, but we were expected to eat it. I wonder if she thought they were healthier choices, or because she liked them we would like them. I wonder if buying jif, white bread and some grape jelly ever crossed her mind. I’m gonna ask her next time I speak to her. I hope she’s not mad – Mom, don’t feel bad. Don’t spiral into a guilt tornado. You are a wonderful mom and we love you, but you never had great taste in snacks. Hahahaha.

Maybe one day I’ll tell you about the cake that changed our lives and how we learned that one person’s opinion doesn’t mean it’s everyones. To be fair to my mom, she knows how much my brother, his wife and I like seltzers and she does make sure to have an ample sampling of flavors on hand for visits.

I bet my mom never felt like she had enough time in a day. She, unlike me, would also go to sleep late and wake up at the crack of dawn. I am wired like my father – where I could also spend half of my 24 hours asleep. But that isn’t a good use of my precious time. Especially now as I get older and start to FEEL time. I feel it, like sand, slipping through my fingers, unable to contain the free fall.

I just want to make a living writing books and movies. I want to live by a swimmable body of water but really I want a pool, because I am scared equally of sea monsters that I am of lake monsters and if we’re being really honest, there’s always a chance of a pool monster. So not only do I have to have my own pool but I need a lifeguard. The list just never ends…

It’s 10:38. I’ve spent almost my entire screen free hour writing this blog WHICH DOESN’T EVEN HAVE A POINT OR A SOLID ENDING. Also, I’ve yelled a lot in this blog. I don’t know how to articulate how any of this matters. Ironically, it really doesn’t matter, nothing does but we’re not diving into the existential deep end at 11pm on a school night.

If you didn’t have to work, how would you spend your free time? Or even, if you didn’t have to work *as much* because I don’t mind the idea of working for money and such. 30 hour work weeks, same pay… how much better would your life be or would it be relatively the same?

What is your burning desire? What do you want to DO?

in other news, I had breakfast for dinner and it was yum. Bacon, eggs, potatoes in a sort of scramble/skillet style with avocado and salsa on the side. The only thing missing was cheese and it felt missed while I was making it for sure, however when I was eating it, it was perfect.

Because my tummy hurt and I had a headache this morning I didn’t have breakfast when I woke up. I had water and some coffee (definitely dehydration + caffeine withdrawals) could have been sugar withdrawals but I don’t think so. So I had my favorite Whole 30 breakfast around 10… celery with cashew butter and everything but the bagel seasoning.

10 year old me was screaming inside THIS IS THE EQUIVALENT OF PB&J ON CHALLAH WITH APRICOT JAM. So I told her to shut up, I pay the bills.

And to be honest, that felt like progress.