Day 8. Infinity.

Usually when I write a blog, I’m nervous about sending it out into cyberland but once it’s out it’s like a relief, a weight has been lifted and there are my thoughts to be shared. When I woke up this morning I was immediately like “ew, I shouldn’t have posted that last night.” That was some raw thoughts that just sort of popped out.

On one hand, I have never been happier than I am now. My ducks are not in a row, but they’re in the same lake. That’s more than can be said for anything about the past. I don’t know why I have such negative, anxious energy about getting older. It’s what I’ve always wanted. From childhood, all I’ve ever wanted was to grow up. Partly because I feel like I was born a 35 year old woman and partly because I was so ready to explore life.

One of the reasons I feel so happy is because it feels like everything I need and want to work on about myself is coming out into the light. It is happening and this is a very difficult and uncomfortable process and that’s why so many people choose not to do it.

It sort of hit me like a bolt of lightening one day that I was coasting through life and not really engaging enough. I wasted too much time on nonsense and in an attempt to make up for it would do short spurts, never really understanding or investing in the long game. This is all perspective and people are always different.

I’m sure there are people reading this that have been saving money since their first job. I bet there are some people reading this who don’t have $1 in savings or retirement. Both of those are fine. Whichever type of person you are is fine, as long as you think so. That was sort of when I got the wild hair when I realized that other people thought about their future and I had never given it any thought.

I just used to drift day to day and the days weren’t really connected. They just happened to be in succession. Now I think about the future, maybe that’s why I all of a sudden freaked out in the past few years. It’s a lot to see all at once. It’s a lot to plan all at once. I’m not much of a planner so even now it’s sort of like ok there are certain things you have to do to set your future self up, there are a few things to do that would be nice to do for your future self and then everything else is just willy nilly do whatever you want.

So bottom line, it is with very much joy and love that I embark on absolutely ripping myself apart looking for my demons so I can beat the crap out of them. Lol. Also, the hope is that it translates to good reading for you whether it be this blog or the great American novel that I am writing.

Now let’s talk turkey really quickly because I’m not sure my meat loaf got it’s proper moment yesterday. Did I tell you it was soooo delicious? Of course I did and I’m telling you again. It was an absolute delight. It might be a staple for me here on out. I don’t like cooking meat very much. Which is why, if you’ve noticed, I hardly ever cook chicken for myself until recently when I bought a George Foreman grill. This has been a great purchase because I throw the chicken on and then can leave it for 7 minutes and prepare the sides for dinner. Whenever I eat multiple things they all have to take their turn in the wok.

First the potatoes, then the vegetable and then the meat. I’ve gotten pretty good at eating foods that take less than 20 minutes to make. So the meatloaf is perfect for that because it’s so easy to heat up and serve, it takes away one layer of woking.

I had to get some more groceries today because I ate all the fruit I had and needed a few other things. The coffee situation is struggling right now. There’s no point in drinking coffee without my beloved dairy or sweet-n-low. Despite the fact the dairy makes me actually physically sick. In addition to buying some almond milk to carry on this charade of coffee subs I bought something I’ve never bought before… canned salmon.

Stay with me here… canned salmon. Did you know this was a thing? I certainly didn’t. Someone on the Whole 30 sub on reddit posted a pic of their dinner and they made salmon cakes with dill sauce. I love salmon and I love dill so this seems like a win win. I’ve never made anything like this and I bought all the fixins to at some point this week. I love this part of the challenge, where I branch out and try something new. I have some chicharrones left over from the meatloaf which I suspect I’ll need for the salmon cakes.

I also really like making these really decadent, satisfying meal and knowing what every ingredient is and that it is actual whole foods and not chemicals and additives and cheap fillers.

On the exercise front – I TOTALLY CHICKENED OUT OF GOING TO THE GYM THIS MORNING. Like, totally. Being insecure with anxiety is stupid. However, at 6pm as I was clocking out for work. The girls I worked with today, some of my teammates, we shared a really cute moment where we all thanked each other for things today. It was really sweet and sincere and it’s so empowering when you have teammates that offer you a hand up instead of trying to push you down. So I decided I wanted to give myself a hand up and as soon as my computer shut down, I was changing to go for a walk by the lake today.

I’m tired and I didn’t have time today to “unwind” since it was walk, dinner, shower, blog and here we are at 10:30 – melatonin digested and it’s time to go to sleep.

Thank you for reading. I’ll see you tomorrow.

Anyone try any new recipes lately? Or cooked something new for the first time?

The view when I got in my car, after the walk.

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