Day 11. grrrrrrrrr

Ok, this is my third attempt at writing a blog for tonight. It’s 10:48 and I started this an hour ago. I was going into annoying detail about how my insecurities are running rampant. I left work yesterday with a bad taste in my mouth and a pit in my stomach, only to come into work today to a gushing compliment about how well I handled the situation.

I was writing about 2 people at work that irk me and just suuuuck any iota of energy out of me and how it was my insecurities that are manifesting in a need to be appreciated or revered or some shit. Then I was thinking about how if they ever asked me to go for a beer I would never, in 100 years say yes. Then I realized I watched an episode of Criminal Minds tonight and hated it so much because it was so stupid and poorly written. I went on a 5 minute tangent in my hear about how it’s a CBS show and CBS shows are notoriously for old people and therefore their writing is basic and pared down, with no nuances or subtleties.

Then I realized this really isn’t that serious and it’s okay to just not vibe with people and to think a show is not very good. I’ve been told my whole life I have a strong personality and people love me or hate me. I don’t actually think that’s true. I think people flip flop with me all the time. I have two very strong sides, amazingly open, loving and charismatic, I can make you feel safe and so good and then there’s a razor sharp, bitter side that will cut you. Then once you’re cut and bleeding I will look you straight in the eye and say “why did you cut your self on the razor.”

Which obviously sounds like me not taking responsibility for my words and that is totally true. People ask for my opinion and I tell them my opinion whether or not it’s nice. I have learned to reframe things, so for instance if you ask me “do I look fat in this dress” I won’t say “uhhh yes shamu” but instead might suggest a different dress, or outfit.

The good thing about work is so far I don’t have to work too closely with these people, at least not yet, and the ones I do work closely with make it very easy to do so. I’m going to work on saying things like “I hope you find happiness” or whatever positive thing seems appropriate and wish it on over to them. I heard that helps resolve those negative feelings that come up. Like, when you’re driving and someone cuts you off and you want to tell them what a horrible piece of shit their mother raised and how you wish they would rot in hell. That really doesn’t seem helpful, does it? Why spew more of that bad stuff out into the universe. Just change it in your head.

Clearly this is easier said than done. I’ve done it before and sometimes it does feel good but most of the time it doesn’t release the negativity, the negativity just sits there and festers. Sometimes I bury it. I was reminded recently about the time I did a 10 day silent meditation retreat. On the 4th day I just got angry. Completely and overwhelmingly angry. I think as a society we don’t learn how to really get rid of emotions. I think we pack them away. I think for people like me, I pack them away in places like my thighs.

I believe that this is why people turn to things like buddhism and running. Sitting with a feeling makes sense to me but it never works for me because I always end up analyzing it and trying to break it down. It’s a never ending search for understanding, about myself, humans, life, whatever. I think I ultimately pack the feelings away. They don’t leave or transform, they sit in the darkness and haunt me.

At least that’s what it has felt like recently.

Anyway, the very first version of this blog that I started almost an hour and a half ago was talking about burn out and how I wondered if that was why everything just pisses me off. Then I realized it could be my diet. Then I felt foolish.

After all this talk and thought I’ve put into this for my free hours tonight, and it could literally just be because my body and mind are having crap food withdrawals. I wanted sugar so bad tonight. I almost didn’t make dinner again because I was so tired. I forced myself to eat and heated up the bag of frozen spaghetti squash. I bought a real one and the frozen stuff to see if it would work. Strongly suggest the real stuff. The bag-o-frozen-squash was accompanied by my leftover tomato sauce, Italian turkey sausage and sautéed mushrooms. I felt good after eating it but still didn’t feel fully satisfied. I’ll have to re-read day 11 from last years challenge, but I don’t usually feel this lethargy.

I think I need to step up my exercise also. I think working out in the morning is the important part because I haven’t been doing that. I think if I start my day in motion it will inspire me to keep that motion throughout the day. I just hate waking up and find it difficult. So far, almost 2 weeks into the challenge it hasn’t at all looked like what I thought it would. The good news is that’s okay, I’m adaptable and flexible and doing a really good job. I think the only real “cheat” I had was waking up in the middle of the night last night and having a spoonful of peanut butter because bozo the clown over here went to bed with out dinner. I just needed something in my stomach and that was enough to tide me over until today.

Also, I’m out of food again. I forgot how expensive this challenge can get. At the end of the day, I’d rather spend almost $100 on food a week for healthy stuff than crap that just perpetuates the guilt cycle.

As my dad always said “you get what you pay for.”

He also used to say “it’s better to be pissed off than pissed on.”

So, there you go.