Day 13, 14 and 15! The Middle.


So, we meet again… I took the weekend off again and now it feels like forever ago. Let me start with where I left off – Salmon Cakes. Overall really good however, I didn’t love them. I think they were too dry and I didn’t “fry” them enough and I think having a really crispy outside would be nice.

They were very salmon-y. Almost too pungent. I think that’s why mixing it with breadcrumbs is a good idea in normal life but also, I bet the same recipe would be really good with just tuna. It was basically canned fish of choice, an egg, celery, seasonings, left over pork rinds and not enough mayo. If I redid it I would add more mayo and maybe another egg as binder. The guy I got the recipe from said to use almond flour, but I thought part of the point of Whole 30 is to not use sneaky things like that. I thought it was to eat whole foods…

In subsequent news – I have had an upset tummy all weekend and today. I have theories on what it could be and if you are so inclined to hear about tummy-troubles then keep reading, if not scroll down to the asterisks. *****

1 ) On Saturday I got my second vaccine shot so it could ultimately just be from that. However, this didn’t happen after the first shot. I do feel tired and overall drained, but as we know this is nothing new either.

2 and 3 ) After some internet investigating I have learned that it could just be the general detoxing that occurs in a body when one decides to cut out the toxic foods. The second thing I learned is that it could be nuts or too much fats. I bought nuts this weekend and ate way too many pistachios and cashews over Saturday and Sunday that that does seem like a plausible reason.

Against the rules of Whole 30 I turned to my two trusted friends – the tape measure and the scale. I didn’t feel bloated and I wanted to make sure. I have lost both inches and pounds which makes me feel like this is literally just something I ate:

I’ve added more vegetables, including cruciferous and leafy greens and they are known predators to a normal gut. I had those dumb fried salmon cakes for dinner Friday and as leftovers on Saturday – fatty fat fat. I’ve been cooking in altogether way too much olive oil. The nuts, we’ve been over the nuts. Any of which could lead to what the medical professionals call the poopies.

I am no stranger to the poopies, usually they are brought on by severe anxiety and severe overloads of cheese and iced lattes. Oh, that’s another thing! It could be coffee? I don’t think it’s that one though because I used to drink multiple cups a day. Anyway despite the feeling of upset tum tum, it doesn’t feel gross like when I eat too much or eat all the wrong things.

*****

Aside from generally feeling worn down, I’m doing pretty well. Today is day 15, the half way point. I really wanted to start my work out routine this week. Over the weekend I had thought about doing 6 days a week of workout – either walking, gym or at home. Today wasn’t a good day to start.

First of all I didn’t even eat lunch today because I couldn’t stand the idea of food. Secondly, I was doing some light sweeping this evening while on the phone with my mom and got winded just talking and sweeping. Thank goodness it was a quick phone call because immediately after, I made some tuna with a small amount of mayo and a cut up pickle. It was dry and not very delicious but I figured that wouldn’t upset the ol’tum. Then I hopped into bed at a quarter to 9.

I had a quick tarot reading from a stranger on reddit tonight. She did a 20 minute read just for donations and I thought it couldn’t hurt. If you’re not familiar, you are supposed to ask a question and they give you some general guidance. She said my energy was really tired and heavy and I thought that was really funny.

Obviously she could be full of shit, there’s no way to know. Regardless, it was still spot on. That is how burnt out I am that my energy that travels through a keyboard on a screen transmits how drained I am. Ultimately she said my block is from my childhood and all the stuff I already know. Their job is to guide you they don’t heal you. They don’t say “oh look, I just pulled the card from when johnny said you were ugly in 2nd grade and you believed him and now that’s wrapped up in your soul DNA that you’re ugly.”

That was an example, nobody ever called me ugly. I don’t know any Johnny’s. She did say therapy is the best way to find the answers and I agreed. I have been looking into therapy and I really hope I can find someone soon. Remember how I was talking about demons the other day and inviting them out? Mine are more stubborn. I don’t even think they’re really demons. What I visualize, when I think of this feeling, this blockage, this annoying, nagging feeling like I’m close to something but not quite there is like a coconut.

What did Rafiki have in The Lion King that he cracks open and draws Simba on the wall with? That’s what I have in the pit of my stomach, in the center of my universe and that motherfucker won’t crack open. The last time I was in therapy, it was life changing. I would really love the opportunity to find another therapist that could illuminate things like that for me again.

When I think of it as a coconut, or a fruit that is too stubborn to be cracked open I think of why fruit would be difficult to get open – because it’s not ripe. It’s not ready. Ugh, I hate having to be patient.

Here’s a fun game I like to play: Imagine what your life would be if nothing ever held you back. Whether it’s money, time, ability, courage, bad breath, I don’t know what is holding you back but what if it didn’t. What would be the first thing you did? And the next? How would your life change? Then I think are there really things holding me back, or is it just myself?

And on that nugget of wisdom, I’m out. Think on it, let’s chat again tomorrow.

The infamous salmon cakes.

No pictures from today because my food was pitiful and probably not even enough calories. 2 eggs and 2 bacons for breakfast, one cup chopped pineapple for late snack, one can tuna with one teaspoon of mayo and one chopped gherkin.

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