Day 17. Just another rhinestone cowboy.

I don’t have anything profound to say today. Work kicked my butt today and I’m still dizzy, but not nearly as bad as yesterday. I didn’t sleep very much at all last night because the dizziness was so bad once I got into bed.

I had a really hard time focusing today at work. It seemed it was a common theme for others as well so it sort of worked out. It’s always a relief when the whole team is moving slowly, so that you don’t feel like you’re holding them back. The downside is there are just more mistakes to correct and everything takes longer which makes my 8.5 hour work day drag.

My job is pretty data entry heavy – it’s a lot of information to process and sort, invoices and timesheets. Generally things that have no room for error and everything must be correct down to the penny, or minute. It’s exhausting. It will get easier as I go and develop a routine but for today, it was boring. I was so busy, all day. I hardly ever have free time or idle time, it’s just full on for 9 hours, with a 30 minute break squeezed in somewhere.

I feel sad today. I think it’s partly because I worked so hard and feel like I have nothing to show for it. I know that people at the company know how difficult my job is and appreciates all the hardwork I put in, but still there’s just this emptiness about it. It’s not fulfilling on a personal level – and most jobs aren’t- some careers aren’t, it really just depends.

I read an article today and I can’t remember the exact title it was something like “7 unusual questions to ask yourself to find life’s meaning.” It wasn’t exactly that and I’ll see if I can find it and link it. It was interesting and I definitely want to think on the questions a little bit more. I think that reading that article on my lunch break today is what sort of encourages the nose dive of frustration and boredom but just clicking away all day.

The first question of the 7 was something like “What shit sandwich are you going to choose to eat?” The point of that questions is to realize life isn’t always fair and it certainly isn’t perfect. There are going to be some aspects that aren’t perfect, ideal or that maybe are barely tolerable but the payoff is worth it. So then what “shit sandwich” are you will to eat for the rest of your life so that you can have x.

I immediately thought of my brother; he’s a very canny guy. His shit sandwich is his commute. He commutes HOURS each day to work so that he may provide for his family. I don’t think the job itself provides fulfillment but he’s a very hard worker and he gets to work hard at his job and I think that helps in some ways. I’m not sure, he may think his shit sandwich is the job itself, or in its entirety. What he’s not okay with is the second serving of shit sandwich that comes with it. He doesn’t get to spend a lot of time with the family during the weekdays. Sometimes he’s up before anyone else and home after they’re asleep. That is not a sandwich he’s willing to eat, so they’re working on a plan to get that sandwich out of the lunchbox.

I was going to say the sandwich I couldn’t eat is working with crappy people. Like, rude, annoying, competitive, petty people are the ones I can’t stand. However, if you were to offer me ONE MILLION DOLLARS to work along side that type or person or people for a year, I would absolutely do it. I would gladly eat that shit sandwich because I had a million dollars to wash it down with.

I think what it comes down to is I’m not willing to eat a shit sandwich of boredom and unfullfilled-ness especially for mediocre pay. My new job was significantly lower pay than my last office job but still decent enough to life off. I read a lot of articles and skim the internet for budgeting advice and ways to save money and it turns out I’m already on the most frugal side of the spectrum.

I have 9 bills a month: Rent, Electricity, Car, Insurance, Phone, Internet, Hulu, Sirius FM and the gym.

I’m at the point of my frugalness where my gym membership is $23 dollars a month and I’m thinking of dropping it down to the $10/month plan. Just because that $10 extra dollars should go to me, not them. The problem is I’m frugal and still have nothing to show for it. I don’t really splurge on things regularly, the most common “non bill” expense is art supplies.

I don’t consider groceries a bill because it fluctuates so much. Also, I will always prioritize my actual bills first and that’s how I know how much left I have to spend on food, gas, extras. If I only have $50 one week but need x,y or z I will take the money out of my grocery money to pay for it. I definitely lived off the $1 McChickens for WEEKS last year. 2-3 a day for almost a month while I was trying to not sink financially.

I hate rice but can tolerate pasta. So there was also a lot of pasta. The point of reviewing my finances is just that I’m tired of eating this shit sandwich. I’m tired of companies barely paying living wages. My apartment is a little too expensive for my new budget and income, but I’m in the middle of a lease and there’s nothing I can do. Plus, after 90 days I’m eligible for raises and bonuses so there may be a little extra coming in soon.

This is all fine for now, but it really upsets me to think about me in 30 years, hunched over at a computer doing menial work for peanuts. Being forced to work into my 60s, 70s or more because even though I was frugal in my younger years, it was never enough to properly invest in my retirement.

I think I might be having an early midlife crisis. Because that’s what it feels like.

Here’s the article: https://markmanson.net/life-purpose

I just realized when googling it that he actually wrote the book “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck,” which I haven’t read but have heard good things about. I hope you read his article and let me know what you think!

There’s not much else to review with my challenge. I ate more today than I have the past few days, so that’s a good thing. One of the perks from working from home was being able to throw in this salmon and asparagus sheet pan meal 15 minutes before my official break so that when it was my lunch time I had oven fresh deliciousness. I had a bowl of egg salad for dinner because I didn’t want to eat the leftover salmon and asparagus, but rather save it for tomorrow’s lunch. I wasn’t hungry enough nor did I care enough to cook anything else I had.

I just realized I have a cucumber in the fridge and that that would have been the perfect partner with my dinner. I could have made egg salad crudite. The crunch could have been nice since I did get kind of sad I didn’t have bread for my egg salad. How many times can I say egg salad? How many times can I say shit sandwich?

I mean, options are limitless…