Day 1 & 2: is it ogre yet?

Yesterday I woke up in a horrible mood. I was so excited for this challenge that I had spent hours on Sunday researching recipes, building a plan and loading my shopping cart. The logistics of any challenge is half the battle. Especially a challenge which requires procuring ingredients.

I don’t know why I woke up in a bad mood Monday but I woke up in an even spicier mood today. I wonder if it’s the “challenge affect” already which is usually something that comes a little bit later than day one. It’s the feeling of the bottom falling out and me questioning everything I’ve ever known about anything, ever.

Today has been one of those days where nothing goes right. I stubbed my toe, knocked over something fragile, whacked my thumb on the counter, got scratched and nibbled on too many times by Emmett and just overall, at 5:30pm am ready to call it a day.

Yesterday was day 1 but I still haven’t decided if I want to blog all 30 days. I will be cooking and baking, I think almost every day. I’m trying to plan it so on days I’m baking I have left overs ready so I don’t have to worry about that. If I blog everyday it’s best if it’s at the end of the day, where I can pause and gather my thoughts and generally the later in the day for me the deeper I’m able to dive in the pool of emotions and feelings and all that crap.

Both today and yesterday I would have stopped for something out if I weren’t doing this challenge. If not food, then definitely a coffee or today, an icee. It’s still hot in Texas and leaving the comfort of my AC is automatically deflating, not mentally or emotional but actually physically. Like, I melt.

So are my grumpy grumps challenge pains? I did notice yesterday that if I were going to watch TV I would have also called it a day around 6pm and planted myself on the couch and watched countless hours of the baking show, or whatever else. Instead, I started a project I’d been putting off for months. I have part of my kitchen wall bare, because I wasn’t sure what I wanted to put up there. Originally I had wanted a gallery wall but decided with the space that wasn’t the right fit. But, yesterday I decided just to hang the art that I had stacked in the corner and I’ll add to it as I go and make a little gallery wall anyway. At least the art I have will be available to be admired instead of stacked in a corner for no one’s enjoyment.

Basically because I have undiagnosed ADD, one thing led to another and 6 projects later it was after 9pm and my house was now a mess, no one had eaten dinner and the art was still not completely hung. I lost my steam but I powered through. I hung up all the big pieces and left the smaller ones in stacks and left it for me to deal with today, which I haven’t. I just moved it all out of the way, a few times.

My house is a gigantic mess and I’m sure that’s also leading to this feeling of just complete blech-ness. When I got the pup I had to move everything up a level which left almost all counter, island, desk, etc space covered with things that don’t belong there. He literally gets into everything and will chew on anything so I wish I could suspend shelves from the ceiling.

That was my dream for today, to bring my home back to a state of comfort. It’s now almost 6pm and I just ate lunch. I’m tired and worn out and just want to go to sleep. I want to hike the AC up, close all the blinds and curtains and watch TV for the next 6-8 hours. Are we seeing a pattern yet?

I will mention that shark week bit me on Monday and that could literally explain all of this. However, even if my mood and general distaste for living were to do with hormones and whatnot, the fact that I want to sooth it by numbing my mind out to the TV for multiple hours is really the signal of something else.

I noticed it last night as I ate a scavenged dinner of a frozen rice bowl and half of a bagged salad that it wasn’t only the quiet from not having the TV on that was strange, it was the calmness. I had feared I’d become one of those people who watched TV all the time in an effort to not be “lonely” and to have it as company. What a relief to find out that in fact I’m not lonely, instead I’m just trying to run away from myself all the time.

It’s funny to think that obviously we are with ourselves all the time, yet do we ever stop to BE with ourselves? I thought I did… what a rude awakening. Weird stuff comes up too, like last night I kept thinking of really awkward, uncomfortable high school moments that bare no weight on me today and I hadn’t thought about it in close to 20 years, but in the quiet of the night there they were.

They could be suppressed. My therapist chuckles in a supportive way when we’re in session and I’m on a rant about feelings and then stop and sort of disregard my own feelings about something. She’ll encourage me to continue, saying “let it out! let it out!” It’s not just having a licensed therapist to listen to me, part of the relief is just saying it out loud. Some of these things I would be thinking in my head anyway, but honestly saying them out loud, releasing them and realizing they are 10 times LESS heavy outside of my mouth than inside is the actual therapeutic relief.

It’s now 10pm. I took a break to lay on the couch and hope for a nap. I didn’t sleep but my dogs kinda chilled out for a little while, then Emmett was back on his shit, biting and scraping his teeth and paws against me. He has no idea how badly it hurts lol. I do find that if I throw a toy in the opposite direction and get to the couch first I can sort of cocoon myself and my toes in a blanket and that lessens the pain.

I do just want to mention, now that I’ve had a 4 hour break from this blog and have re-read from the top that when I mentioned that those high school memories bore no weight on me today that isn’t an entirely accurate statement. I actually think that the memories of being awkward or just being a dumb teenager is not the problem, because we were all that person to one degree or another. I think it’s HOW I looked back on myself. I didn’t love her, my high school self. And I think that I try to pretend I’m not her and that she is no longer a part of me, but like a wise ogre once said, “ogres are like onions.”

Turns out people are like onions, too. We’re layers of former selves. No matter how much we change mentally, emotionally or physically we still have that person inside us. We can suppress them and lock them away and pretend they didn’t and don’t exist. Or, we can invite them out and love them, try to love them or at least try to learn to love them.

This is going to be an interesting month.

I’m realizing I haven’t eaten enough today. My throat hurts and I really am just not feeling my best. It’s kind of been an intense past few days of thought, this is what challenges do they stir everything up. The MINUTE you change your routine, especially ones that are anchored in comfort and not caretaking it’s like the alarms start blaring, your inner defenses come rushing to aid this change and the battle begins.

I’m hoping tomorrow I wake up happier and ready to tackle some stuff. I really WANT to get my home in a homely order. I need that. Also – tomorrow is BREAD DAY! I’m making my first loaf. I did a mini bread challenge today by making Red Lobster inspired cheddar biscuits. I don’t usually have cheese or real milk on hand but for another upcoming recipe I need them both and recently had made these biscuits for the first time.

A few weeks ago I started fooling around in the kitchen with sauces and biscuits. I live in a small town in North Texas and I stinking LOVE it. It’s just perfect, especially for what I need right now. The only down side to small town life is there is no brunch places. I hope you’re not laughing at me, who doesn’t want an eggs benedict made for them? Making homemade hollandaise is annoying, not super hard, just annoying. Anyway, I made a homemade benny recently and it was decent.

I did not have dinner tonight, I ate 2 extra biscuits and made some ginger tea. I tried to elevate my ginger tea since I’m a fancy cook now and stuff. I usually just boil ginger in water and add a bit of lemon and honey. This time in addition to lemon and honey, I put in some fresh basil and cinnamon. It’s really a nice tea drink. As I’m finishing this blog I’ve already had 2 cups. I’m hoping tomorrow I’m up and at ’em in a good mind set.

Editor’s note: I’m tired, I’m not gonna proof read. Apologies for Miss Stakes.