Day 5 & 6: Our Daily Bread

I’m a day behind and almost got out of bed last night to write this but I honestly just couldn’t. The past few days, while being under the weather I have felt the strongest desire to just do more. Days I could barely keep my eyes open I was beating myself up for not going to the gym, cleaning the house or writing more.

I did end up watching a little TV the past 2 nights. I surrendered in need for rest. I think TV helps relax because you can just zone out. The first night I watched 2 movies, both from my child hood. I watched “Son-in-Law” and “Little Big League,” both still hold up as great films. I didn’t want to spend time thinking about what to watch and they both just came to me and it was nice to watch a comedy and just zone out.

Last night I watched the Bake Off, but I really wanted to go to sleep. It’s hard with the puppy because I don’t want to change too much of his routine. Especially if it means going to sleep earlier, because realistically that just means longer in the crate for him. For instance this morning, I woke up around 7:30 to take him out but I had to go back to sleep and slept until noon. Even waking up around noon I wanted to sleep more, but I hadn’t given either dog breakfast yet and I couldn’t keep him caged anymore. Freya loves when he’s crated.

So immediately upon his freedom he’s chewing on everything but I just don’t have the energy to stop him today. My brain feels clear again, but physically I’m still fighting. Last night I sort of got a second wind, which is why I wanted to get out of bed and write, but I knew it was a trick and if I had I’d be worse off today.

Last night, lots of thoughts came to mind. About myself and my challenge, about why there are elements to this that feel so daunting. I made a video of me making the bread loaf. I did an introduction where I was talking about what I was going to make and then I made the videos of me adding and mixing the ingredients, like you’d see on Tik Tok or reels, but you know very low, amateur quality because well, you know.. I’ve never done it before!

Then I edited it. I looked at myself and hated myself. I couldn’t believe how big I am. I know I’m heavy again and I’m sick of it and I hate myself for it. This is just the quest of a lifetime for me and on one hand it just feels so stupid. HOW could you hate yourself solely for the way that you look? It’s so cruel.

So I decided to scrap the part with me in it and just focus on editing the footage of the bowl and the ingredients mixing and rising. But you could see my forearm, and that made me uncomfortable, and you could hear my voice explaining the steps and that also made me uncomfortable. I took 10 minutes worth of video and edited it down to a 54 second reel of making this bread, I fast forwarded it and took the sound out and still didn’t have the heart to post it.

My thoughts were “who would want to see this, this is trash.”

THAT is what I thought about myself, my work, my LEARNING how to use a stupid ring light, record AND EDIT for the first time and all I did was criticize it and knock the video and myself down to the point that I was too embarrassed to post it. Too embarrassed to put it out there into the world. Too afraid of the repercussions of being a beginner.

And what exactly are those repercussions you might ask? ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOTHING! Maybe judgment and a little shade, but I’ll tell you damn well who the people are who are going to be throwing that shaded judgement: people who aren’t doing anything!

The thought I had last night and what I wrote down in my phone was this:

How come when you look at other people – I guess I’ll just speak for myself – when I look at other people I generally see them as content, if not happier than I am. I know that that can’t possibly be true yet I convince myself that everyone is happier than I am. I always feel like a failure.

Ugh, just typing this for you to see is hard. It’s true that I do feel like this a lot but I hate having to be vulnerable and admit it. I always wonder how I’m perceived by people. I think different people see me in different ways. I think I come off confident and secure, social and funny, sarcastic and smart – basically a bunch of great qualities. I am all of those things but I’m also a giant ball of anxiety and insecurity at almost any given time.

The anxiety which has been multiplied and exacerbated during covid. Had Texas not shut down right after I moved here I think I would have had more of a social life the past few years, so the shut down led me to being in way more solitude than I planned or was used to. The problem with solitude is you naturally have a feeling of FOMO (fear of missing out). Even during lockdown, in a state where I didn’t know anyone and didn’t really have any opportunity to break lock down, I would get jealous of the people disregarding the rules and having back yard BBQs or park outings. I missed the social connections.

I have a bunch of friends, but they’re not a group of friends. They’re the selected people I’ve met throughout my life that I can’t live with out, so having a zoom happy hour never seemed possible since they don’t all know each other. I think that led me to turning to social media and TV/movies for a glimpse into the world I didn’t feel a part of any more.

The problem with that, well film and television are always going to be better than real life because no matter how tough the story is there’s always a hair and make up department helping. Social media is the real silent killer. It takes so much of my time and attention. You see inside strangers lives or homes, you see all the things you don’t have and want. You don’t see any of their negative personality traits. You don’t see them get into a fight with their partner moments before filming, you don’t see the pile of junk they have on the other side of the camera.

You don’t even see their courage to create AND SHARE their content. You just see 30 seconds of whatever the hell it is and off you go, spiraling away.

On the exact same hand that I feel like a failure and that I’ve wasted my life hating myself and being too insecure to go after the things I really want, I should also mention that I’m also the happiest I’ve been in a very long time. I know, digest that.

But it’s true, over the past few months I’ve really just become happier with myself and my life. The past few weeks have been especially eye opening because as soon as I brought Emmett home I felt this weird wave of completeness. I am content and happy with my two dogs, in a cute little house in Texas. I think part of my happiness comes from not working currently.

I quit my job a couple of months ago because the stress and burn out was unreal. That paired with the fact the money wasn’t great and we were short staffed for months before they started asking us to work even harder and no, they weren’t going to actually hire the hands we needed or pay us appropriately. It was our responsibility to cover for the two missing minds they no longer wanted to pay for.

I have never been in a position financially to just quit before, this has been an amazing gift. I do think my body recalibrated and I’m not burnt out any longer. The problem for me is I did not dive head first into writing my screen plays and manuscript as I had hoped. I have made progress but my natural reaction to anything I do is clearly “well, that’s not good enough.” So here we are.

I know that I have to re-join the workforce at some point, I’ll probably start looking for work in a month’s time or so and that’s fine, I’m just disappointed I haven’t accomplished more yet. Going into this I told myself and my family that I did not expect me to sit down and write 5 projects in one week, I did secretly hope for it though.

Writing is sort of like shadow work, you just have to sit here and face the blank page. The blank page can be the darkest parts of you because once it comes out onto the page, once it comes out into the light – then what? What if it’s not good enough? What if my life long dream to become a writer dissolves like cotton candy in water as soon as it’s written because I’m not good enough? Then what am I going to do with my life?

When I was working full time job I would wake up around 8 am, take Freya out then feed her breakfast, then I would get ready for work and sit down at my home office around 9am. I worked from 9-6 (usually later) with barely a lunch break most days. At 6pm I would peel myself off my chair, maybe cook something, maybe run out to get something and then basically just park myself on the couch for the rest of the night to numb myself with the feigned entertainment of some show. I would also stay up later than I wanted to or even enjoyed just to delay having to wake up so quickly again.

I went from a job where I couldn’t have one personal thought during my workday to sitting on the couch trying to get my adrenalined brain calmed down enough to go to sleep. I knew that wasn’t living and I was dying for a change. Now that I have that change I’m equally unimpressed with how I spend my time. I feel like I live in a state of guilt ridden fear because not having a job is “bad.”

I literally love not working for someone else. I love waking up, playing with the dogs then making coffee and sitting at my desk. I always write something, sometimes it’s just some personal thoughts, sometimes I work on a project. Eventually I get up and roam around the house and find something else to do. Some days I even sit back down and write some more.

Like the video, it’s hard to sit and face yourself and your own capabilities. It’s hard to not be great at something, to be a beginner or to be to be unsure of your own creations. I think the world needs to have a louder conversation about doubt. I can’t be the only one who doubts things. Or the only one who puts myself aside in an effort to try to not stand out, not rile up the enemies, not call attention to myself. But that’s bullshit.

~

I feed the dogs dinner around 9pm. After feeding them last night I realized I was hungry too. After eating almost the entire loaf of bread (man, it’s so good) for the past 2 days I decided some garlic broccoli was in order. It was inspired by a little guilt for not having rounded meals the past few days and also as a way to get more garlic down to help with my throat. Fighting against these stubborn urges to track my food, calories, etc is insanely ingrained a lot deeper than I thought.

So as the broccoli was sautéing, I browsed for the rest of my yet-to-be-decided meal. I found a bag of cauliflower gnocchi from trader joe’s in the freezer. I love it because it’s quick. The gnocchi is always soft and so it’s easy to eat. I added the gnocchi to my garlic broccoli and put a lid on it so it would steam. I went to get tomato sauce from the cupboard but realized I wasn’t in the mood for tomato sauce.

So after a quick google search I found a recipe for a creamy sauce. Without much thinking I gathered the ingredients, including some of the gruyere and cheddar I have for another upcoming recipe and made a delicious creamy cheesey sauce. It was so easy and it was SO GOOD! Even sick I was able to throw together this quick recipe and man did it hit the spot. Surely I would have gone out for a shitty fast food burger had I not been committed to this challenge.

The fast food burger would have tasted awful, cost $10 and made me feel guilty and inevitably sick the next day. Instead I made a delicious dinner, conquered my own incredulous guilt for making a “rich” dinner and just ate and enjoyed the damn meal! I did make myself feel better by reminding myself the dinner was mostly broccoli and cauliflower. It was just the butter, milk and cheese in the sauce that made me feel guilty but the recipe was for a fair amount so I spooned over my desired amount, which realistically was probably less than a quarter cup.

Hating on myself instead of celebrating on myself. When will I learn?

After dinner, I felt satisfied. I cleaned up my work space and put everything in the sink for tomorrow me. (Lol can’t win EVERY battle). I did wake up and as my coffee was brewing put all the dishes in the dishwasher. Today they were a battle I knew I could win. I made myself some avocado and tomato toast on my home made bread and I chatted with a friend for a little bit. It’s now almost 4:30p and I feel like the day is gone.

When I woke up this morning I just wanted to sleep or watch TV all day. I still want to do that but I also want to bake. I’m really excited tomorrow is opening day for the NFL and the more I get done today, the less I can do tomorrow. I had thought that since I watched TV the past few days that I’m just not going to on Sunday after the game. Now I don’t care. If I get what I’m hoping to get done today then I will be very happy to wake up tomorrow around 9am and start my game day menu. Then sit down by noon for kick off and spend the rest of the day under a blanket, reveling in a successful bread week!